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words of warmth

i received this in my inbox on tumblr today:

“Everyone has a universe inside their mind that no one else will ever be able to truly understand. In a sense, you give the Milky Way on this site. A little preview of something much greater, a magnificent, vast, never ending universe. Maybe you don’t agree, but you should at least write one book before your time here on earth is up. You seem to be in love with all the little things about your boyfriend and I admire that. You are a gem. Know that.”

this is one of the most beautiful things i’ve read in a while. i haven’t cried on the outside but i’m completely melted on the inside. this was much needed for me today. i think words like these are much needed for everybody, all the time. i know i’m not just talking for myself, but life gets a little hard you know. and others call this generation the entitled ones, the ones who are known for being petty and poorly opinionated. but i think there’s so much more to humans than the evolution of the problems we have had to deal with. i think we are the generation we are now because the rise of technology has allowed to explore our inner selves more, to become more reflective, more aware, rather than focusing on external circumstances. we can now reach internally. we can now see ourselves under a magnifying glass.  this is sort of a tangent but it’s relevant, i promise. i think we all forget who we are sometimes. and when life gets sort of stressful, and then it gets really stressful, my response is to hold it all in, to drink it away, to sleep it away, to keep myself from anyone that could be exposed to my negative energy. that’s just how i am, and i know that by holding in my negative energy, i am still staying within my negative energy, but that’s the best i know how to cope as of right now. in these moments of stress, i forget myself, i lose sight of the future, and i am extremely uninspired, unmotivated, and somewhat upset with myself. i know these moments aren’t permanent, and i know these moments don’t define me, but they do define how i approach the future. moments like these swallow my heart and leave a space. but then someone like this comes around, unasked, completely by surprise, with words about you, and dedicated to you, that fill that heart with a warm space again. thank you for these inspiring words, i have taken them deeply to heart :’) and i am sending back all the love from california to you. there is something magical about writing letters to strangers online. i think it’s like the verbal form of heartbeats. and when we recognize each other’s heartbeats, we create a bridge, and an invisible string becomes conscious. and i think that’s beautiful. we are always uncovering secrets.

maybe we will always be playing hide and seek with each other. maybe childhood never ends, but is found in metaphors all around us if we look and listen closely. maybe that’s what hide and seek is all about – finding others when they don’t want to be found.

this was much much much needed. i really can’t thank you enough. you deserve the best weekend ever and the best 2014 and the best everything.

I find that you have a really optimistic and healthy outlook on dealing with life and it is inspirational, admirable, and it is something I wish to do but don’t have your kind of patience. You choose to see the good in all things which I try to, but I always see the bad first because people are usually hedonistic… BUT you said that you think such thoughts as well you just don’t show it. I like that you like harmony and balance. It sounds very buddhist-like.

I have met two girls just like you and I don’t know why but girls like you have very attractive minds. I want to learn about you because you are so fascinating to me. So different and wonderful and great and rare. You aren’t like ditzy girls but confident, independent, kind, intelligent, and most of all OPTIMISTIC! You have this energy that makes the room brighter as soon as you walk in. And yet as much as I love the kind of person you are, I feel I will never understand your behavior. How can you be that positive? I just want to learn about you.

E.

This is probably one of the best compliments I’ve received in a while. Today I’ve been in a rut. It’s only noon – it’s one of those days. One of those I wish I could back to sleep until I wake up feeling better kind of days. You know when you wake up and you curse the world? It’s like waking up with a hangover except without the wild night. My mom called me today and I didn’t want to hear anything she had to say. I didn’t want to hear how my brother has 2 C’s. I didn’t want to hear that he has aggression issues. I didn’t want to hear that he yells back to not only her, but also my dad. I didn’t want to talk about the jobs I applied for, the one I quit, the London trip that has been canceled.

Today, everything annoys me. I’d like a beer, or two, or maybe three. I am deeply frustrated by humanity’s inability to intellectualize simple concepts. Today I have no time to try and understand these emotions, to feel the calamity that was here just yesterday. Is this a dream? No, it’s real life. I feel like Charles Bukowski.

And although reading other portions of this email was aggravating, this was wonderful to come across. I’ve never been called as having an “attractive mind” before, and it dazzles me that someone would think something like that. Often times I don’t think I’m intelligent, but everyone doesn’t hesitate to assure me otherwise. Thank you, kind stranger :)

When I have the rare opportunity to feel like writing, I have to look up words to describe how I am feeling. To express what I want to say with the intensity and feeling that I feel. Surely this is the same for you? You seem very adept at writing possibly because you read a lot. I unfortunately do not read as often as I would like to because reading is quite slow for me, but I need to get back into it.

I will say this, that “middle ground” you speak of… I will not say it does not exist, but I have not figured out how to get there. And yet… as much as I want to be there, I don’t! It just ties in with your beautiful bio/blog description about wanting to be everything. I want it but I don’t want it because who wants to be like everyone else? Normal. We have a special talent although it has it’s drawbacks. We love a little stronger, cry a lot more, when we’re angry we’re furious, when we’re in love we’re head over heels, passionate, and all these other things! And loyal to the few that we choose. Extremely understanding. The reason why I hate it at times is because I feel alone, I am unique, you are unique. But when I find someone similar to myself, I feel better because I have this hope that maybe they can relate on the same level I am on. The same hurt, the same hopes, all those things. I may not know a way to this middle ground, but I sure as hell know how to cycle through the happy and sad points in this crazy life of mine. Sometimes I don’t quite know how to cycle though, but whatever. These mood swings are just as some poet said, “like the weather.” And God damnit I love the weather. I love the rain, the gray days, the sunny days. All of it. I want it all damnit! And screw anyone who is going to stop me from living it up while I’m still standing.

I know you get this a lot, but I want to say thanks. Thank you for allowing me to feel and to write when I’ve gone two weeks without feeling any desire to write because I have no will to. I don’t know how you do it, but I have to applaud you for doing so.

You are a very “feely” type of thinker just like her, but you are rather good at converting your feelings and intuitions into verbalizations. It’s not something you need to think about. IT is how you tick, at a deeper level. Just like my mind will start splitting a concept into logical components as soon as a concept enters my headspace, you naturally convert feelings into words.

N.

I have been told this so many times now alkdsfjkaldf sometimes I just don’t even think I’m that good of a descriptor but maybe I am?! I just don’t see my writing through another person’s eyes I guess? I’ve always been insecure about my writing up until last year!

Moments ago, my friend from Boston just called me to tell me that while she was at a restaurant, a woman came up to her and handed her an angelic medallion and spoke of love, hope, and happiness. My friend instantly thought of how in Boston, this would be regarded as a sort of mental illness because it’s not normative behavior, you know, quick to judge and assume kind-of train of thought. But then she thought of me, and how I’d do something like that, and she told me she approached the situation from a “Lucie perspective” and it just made me really happy that she took the time out of her night just to call me and tell me this :)

(jan 19  2013)