we were sprawled out on her bed, me positioned in an odd manner as always but with my head gently resting on her back. and i remember looking at the slivers of light peering through her window blinds and thinking about how it’s much too early to be laughing nonstop at eight in the morning. and then i sunk into her skin and bones and i thought about how this is so picture perfect, being with her, how we are faced against each other but there is something so beautiful about this moment. i think to myself, there are some moments that are so beautiful you cannot even fathom being able to capture it so innocently and fully with another. and that’s when she says, “i wish there was someone home so they could take a photo of us.” and i say, me too, me too, and i glorify at the fact that she is such a mind reader, that we both are of each other. we are somehow always on the same wavelength, her always playing a song that i was just thinking of or escalates my mood. the way we exchange stories is so beautiful, constantly laughing and unintentionally inserting mini-stories in our big story. we tell the stories with the same voice because it roots from the similarities in our culture. we’re always so attentive to each other that it feels as if we are no longer just a friendship, because there’s a magical element to our relationship and i can’t quite pinpoint it. she told me, “the first time i met you and looked into your eyes, i realized you read people just like i do and that we perceive the world in similar fashions.” we do. we do so much that we sync so easily when we’re together, and it still amazes me the way we are able to do that. and my friendship with her is one of a kind. best friend, i tell her, you are one of my best friends. and then we do what we always do, we lock eye contact and we squeal and shake our little fists at how grateful we are to have met each other. until next time, my love, until next time. i’m always missin’ you the same way i miss my best friend from high school. i’m always missin’ you.
i have so much love for the mom of the girls i nanny for. she’s a teacher and she’s on summer break and she takes her children everywhere. one day it’s the park, the next day it’s a playdate. by the end of the week the girls have gone swimming, gone to toddler events such as music events or sport arenas for toddlers. on the weekends when the daddy is home, they go to san francisco or monterey bay for zoos and aquariums. or they just go out together and do errands together. and i think that’s so beautiful, the way they are a family. they’re not just taking up the same space together, moving along at the same pace, they’re a loving, meaningful family.
but then one day she didn’t take them out and they just had a day in and she said she felt guilty because she wanted a few hours to herself, and it’s different than you know running errands by yourself or going to the gym, she just wanted a break from her children. and i thought how silly this was and i told her to go rest and i’ll take the girls out on a walk around the neighborhood and that you’re not just a mom, you’re also ada. you don’t always have to show people the world and bring such positive experiences to people. and she reminds me so much of me. wanting time to yourself does not make it a negative experience. it’s almost as if people’s lives and their happiness is our center. some people are centered on how people make them feel, people like ada and i are centered on how other’s feel. and she teaches me that it’s okay to take time off from people without feeling guilty because i always do. i’m the initiator, i plan all the events and i know people feed off of my energy really easily because i’m really open and i don’t want to feel lethargic and gloomy and boring in front of others, but then i realize it’s okay. it’s okay to be lethargic and want time to yourself and it’s okay to be lethargic and boring in front of others because everything is just a phase and people won’t take it personally. and that’s what i’m always afraid of — that people will take my emotions personally, i don’t know, is that silly?
this is to all of you, all of those who are reading this and i don’t know you by face and name but i wish i did. and this is the closest i can get to reaching you, at least for now. this is an overdue thank you. i swear. i never expect people to read what i have to say because it’s just a bunch of babble and you guys do, you guys take it in and make it yours and it finds a home in your bones. and i just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you. writing has a funny way of showing each other that we’re all interconnected, that once these words leave my heart and become public access to the internet world, it is no longer just a thought, but a temporary reality for someone to walk in, and those aren’t even my intentions, it’s always a surprise when someone resonates with what i have to say. because that’s the thing about online blogs like this — you aren’t handing a poem to someone, you aren’t saying “here, read this” so you never know who is, you never know who’s reacted. but somebody does, somebody always does, and these words and emotions create a ripple effect, and this, this ripple effect, is as reassuring for you as it is me. that we are not alone
i’m stuck on the way your eyes undress me with a simple look, and i feel nineteen, nineteen because you are swinging me in your arms and not promising me kisses unless i eat a slice of bread and drink some water because i’m too drunk. and i am always too drunk but when i’m with you, i’m drunk on your love. and i’m never drunk on anybody’s love. geez, stop that charm, it’s getting to me and i’m melting. i am nineteen turning twenty and the air changes from summer to fall and i think i’ve changed too, but then i see you and that chemistry still fizzes in my nose. and i am twenty. and it is september of 2011 and i am telling you this is the last time we’ll ever fall in love. and in-between those phrases i am laughing because i know things will never be this good, no one will ever feel this close. the way we reappear in each other’s lives is always so random, isn’t it? the scientists wouldn’t agree. i think i’ll be semi-in-love and fully in lust with you for the next couple of days, is that okay?
i went to dinner with some friends tonight, and although i see one of the friends once every couple weeks, there were two other friends i hadn’t seen in a while. i’ve seen them only once or twice prior to this dinner. it’s so different seeing people in the light and not just dancing their nights away, with their faces just barely visible from the laser beams shining on one side of their face. people are so different at different times of the day. i was sitting at a booth when my friends approached, and the second i saw one of my friend’s eyes, i had the pleasure of truly seeing a glimpse of him in that moment. there is sunlight in the way he attends to each and every person at the booth. he is present. so many people are unfocused, zoning out when someone begins to talk too much or too absorbed in their own emotions that they aren’t receptive to the ones around them. but he’s a listener. his eyes are alive. nonjudgmental. loving. there are very few people that i come across with eyes that radiate that strong with such vitality. he seems like an older brother to me, an older brother that i don’t know. but that’s what makes it so beautiful.
there are such good people everywhere. gems. i like to call them gems. when i meet people like this, i understand a little more how beautiful people are. and i think that’s one of the things i like most about seeing people — seeing their beauty. there isn’t much in this world that is infinite, but beauty is.
I can predict your patterns with such ease. Every few months you message me. “Hey.” “hey what’s up,” I respond. And that’s when you know. That’s when you know not a thing has changed since the last time we talked. There is such an emptiness to my words that even the words themselves are filled with resistance. Maybe I understand your patterns because you understand mine. There is a part of us that will always be with each other, a part of me that no one else will know besides you. You know all too well. “You always do that, shut off.” And then I never turned back on.
We both know about the Christmas in which I strung a list of excuses in order to avoid you. Sometimes it’s easier on the heart that way. “I bought you a present I want to give you.” But I didn’t want to give you any of me, not even my time. Even Christmas spirit couldn’t draw me out of the resent.
You were once a pressed leaf tucked in the spine of one of my favorite novels. But like all patterns of nature, it withered.
I wish I could say that I miss you, that I care, that there is a tinge in my heart when we don’t speak. I wish I could say that this is just the waiting period between the last time we connected and the next time we’ll reconcile. Three years ago this may have been the case, maybe even two. I might have spent my nights thinking about how I’d say sorry, only to further emotionally distance myself from you, because I know the trouble between us always starts with one of us apologizing. There are some lessons we learn too much that we never learn them at all.
Why do you assume that you are weak? When you assume that you are weak, you will do anything to hold your guard up as strong as you can.
Your greatest fear just so happens to be my greatest power. I can see it by the way you give me eye contact, there is a stinging fear that is captured in the moment that our eyes cross paths. It astounds me the world you live in, a world of paranoia, a world of codependency, yet you have managed to justify every thought that you have so that it’s real.
What is real, may I ask you? How do you determine what is unreal from real? The past few entries that I have written have been an incorporation of your mindset into mine. I know it is not truly me at the core, but empathizing with you.
We are as real when we are with others as when we are by ourselves, as when we are interacting with our manager as when we are asleep, dreaming. What I am saying in this entry does not follow a logical order – it’s all just streams of consciousness, it’s all just what I wish to tell you, but here it is, written out on my blog instead.
You’re very intelligent, you know. You are, however, don’t let that intelligence get to you. Sometimes there is nothing to decipher. What do I mean by that? I mean that sometimes people do not have an elaborate intention. Most people do not live in a world of intentions at all. To see everyone as having their own agenda, trying to push it onto yours, is to see life through a means versus ends approach. What’s my agenda, you ask? Yes, I do have one. My agenda is to do everything with love, with meaning. What else is behind that? Nothing. Absolutely. Nothing. To have an agenda does not necessarily equate with manipulation, with deceit, with control. To assume these two factors is to assume that this is no longer a correlation, but a causation. To assume these two factors are related is to assign a dichotomy. To try and put the world in order, to try and disintegrate the world of grey into the world of black and white, to see chaos as a fallacy, to see all of these things, does not change the outer world in any way. May I tell you this – it only changes your inner world. It creates chaos for you. The world, whether it be grey or green, you will still try to distinguish it into black and white or yellow and blue, but what good does that do to you? What if, in actuality, the world is splashed with all colors? Oh goodness, I can feel your brain slumping.
I must tell you this: I am not trying to mess with you. I am not trying to show you that I am right. I am not trying to say I have this all figured out. I am not trying to, under any circumstances, imply that I am better than you. I am not trying to control you, manipulate you. We are back to the first sentence – when you assume you are weak, that you are malleable to the thoughts of others, it is implying that you do not hold a strong core. It is implying that you do not hold a perspective. Isn’t that what you struggle with? You can hold all the facts in the world, have a database of knowledge at your disposal, but what good does that do for you when asked for your perspective? People aren’t trying to manipulate you. You don’t need to constantly protect yourself.
May I tell you this: To fear other people’s perspective is to have a lack of a trusting opinion. You fear being wrong. That’s why facts are safe, they’re already written out for you. People cannot argue with facts. But here’s another thing I want to tell you. You are also not a robot. You are made of emotions. You are entitled to feel emotions. You are not a program computing out either 0 or 1. You are alive.
When you offer your perspective to somebody else, you are not controlling them. They do not become your puppet. You are opening a field of ideas. You are brainstorming together, you are sharing. Here’s the thing: whereas you mostly keep to yourself, most people are not like that. Most people are not as humbled by other people’s perspective as you are. If somebody does not like your perspective, they’ll tell you. If somebody does like your perspective, they’ll adopt it. But here’s the thing, people will adopt your perspective only under their circumstances. It does not, by any means, signify that you are mind-controlling them. You are not hypnotizing people with your insight. People are responsible for themselves. People are responsible for what they tie into their internal mode of processing, not you. You may be the starting spark, however, ultimately, people decide, on their own time, if they agree with you or not. It’s as simple as that.
When you offer a thought to somebody, that’s fucking wonderful. Make people think. People don’t do enough of that. People don’t know what they stand for. Offering a thought does not mean you are installing a thought in somebody. Thoughts are not viruses, although that’s how you perceive it. Thoughts are contagious, yes, but do you see the difference in the two word choices? To fear being a receiver of another’s thoughts is a mirror of another fear, it also indicates you fear being a provider. You fear being a catalyst. You fear the sour side of inspiration. You fear change.
But I’ve seen your lightness. It’s there, somewhere, hidden.
May I ask you, why do you think so much? Is it because you self-identify with it? Is it because you believe there must be nothing more to you than the process of thought?
There is, my love, there is so much more.
One of the secrets to life is we must let go to become even more.
What do you think about altruism, may I ask you?
You don’t believe in it. You believe we live in a selfish world, a world where we are all broken souls trying to protect our own brokenness. Isn’t that right? How is it possible that there are people who are quite arguably… beyond ego? Do I help people in order to pat my own back? Do I help people in order to feed my own ego? Do I help people in order to build a wall of mental trophies? Do I help people because I see them as weak? Do I? All of the answers to these questions are no, but you are scrounging for answers. The answer cannot be that obvious, the answer cannot be that simple. Do you believe in weightless thoughts?
You must approach life with a grain of salt, my love.
I see that you often times do not do anything, because you overthink all of the possibilities and investigate why it is that you do what you do and why you feel the way you do and how taking action would change that. And then you feel selfish if you were to take any action, so you keep swimming in your head, suffering, if I may presume. What if life is much simpler than that? What if it’s all in your head?
To look for an answer is to assume there is a question.
Love, what if there is no question?
What if the most simplest of answers is to just be? Is to exist and ravish in your existence?
Would you hate me for pointing this out to you? You create these logical contingencies that exist nowhere except in the depths of your mind. But that’s the thing about logic, it’s deceiving, because it seems like the truth. There aren’t emotions to veer your logic off course. Logic is a one-way ticket to understanding….or so it may seem.
Why do you view change as instability? What is so frightening? You mustn’t just accept the present, you must also embrace the future. Too much acceptance is unhealthy. Too much acceptance allows you to wallow in the depths of your mind. That’s why you love her. You love her because, in a way, and you know this, her acceptance allows you to perpetuate the self-destruction. You once told me you didn’t like girls who had power over you. They don’t. No one has power over you. But you love her, because she understands your perspective, because she’s willing to sacrifice her own. You love her because she’d be broken with you. You love her because she’d sacrifice her romantic idealism to live in a world of realism with you. You love her because she’d never place her perspective on you, even though you know she stands independent of you. You love her because she doesn’t share it. You love her because she understands this all. You love her because you don’t feel guilty around her, or at least enough guilt that it stays with you. You love her because she both protects you from truly facing your demons, even though that is the opposite of what she stands for.
You love her because she would always accept your contradiction.
May I ask you, what does truth mean to you? And why is it important?
Life’s purity, perhaps, is the most obvious truth that you have been missing.
This, you cannot argue with me.
Go feel it, my love. Go feel the life’s purity, for that life’s purity all comes from within you. It all…starts with you.
Welcome the unknown. Embrace the thoughtlessness. Let go of the facts. Be open to other people’s perspective. Be able to imagine from somebody else’s perspective without feeling as if you are jeopardizing your own, without feeling intimidated. You already have a steady core. You are much, much stronger than you believe. Go fantasize. Feel free my love.
One day it’ll hit you, and you’ll realize you don’t have to, and you really don’t have to, experience the world you always have.
I think the best part of this all….is that you know all this already.