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my soul sister

please be there even when i don’t ask you
to be, because i am always quick to notice
when people leave, and my boyfriend says that i have lived
a lifetime of temporary connections, and i don’t
understand the word “permanence”
i attach myself to people and i’m tired
of my sensitivity, and that’s how i learned the art
of detaching from myself. because that’s
what i’ve made of my freedom, even if it was created,
even if it was distorted. is it too much to ask that you
will listen (for a long time), that you will ask questions,
because i am not one to talk about myself,
even when asked three times.
and this is important because, because i ask no one of this
but i want it from you, because it’s crushing to watch
people always come back, because that means
they are always leaving. and i don’t want to be
recycled. i want you to be the friend
that stays.

today i saw one of my friends who is really self-conscious about expressing love because she’s not sure on how to express herself as a friend, and i’m the opposite, because i’ve been around so many people that i’m really good at showing people they’re important figures in my life, and so we were walking into safeway and she says, “i noticed you really liked that tea tree chapstick and i bought you one!” and i squirmed a little and said, “really?” and i’m sure my eyes widened because i was so excited, and then i looked over and she was blushing and she wasn’t giving me eye contact and her whole essence was shy and cautious. and that’s so silly, that’s so silly. you never have to be self-conscious about if you’re expressing your love the right way, if your gift is enough, or if it’s important, or if i like it, or if i find it meaningful. because having you as a friend is already more than wonderful. and you’re silly. because it is meaningful. and i love it. i love it. i love it. thank you.

“oh btw i quit my job”
“! LOL!”
“why are you LOLing?! you never LOL !”
“because you actually did it! we went and had those 8 hours in the meadow and were all idealist about the future and then came back to reality and quit our jobs!”
“i think we’re kind of insane”
“it does make life a lot more fun”
“i don’t think normal people just quit their jobs just because, but i love our mentalities”
“idealistic power!”

I was talking about one of our mutual friends, and she stops me in the middle of my sentence.

“You really love everybody.”

And I’m winded, I don’t know why she has said this so randomly, and I ask her what she means.

And she says, “The way you were just talking about her. There was a word you said, I don’t remember which, but it’s like you just loved her so intensely for a millisecond and then you kept moving on. It’s like you live in a world of loving people. You have really strong emotions for everything. It’s like you hide it.”

And I started to cry. Because it’s true. Because I live in a world of relationship anniversaries and best friend birthdays. I live in a world where that freeway exit reminds me of your house, where my aqua-colored flats remind me of that one time you wore aqua-colored jeans. Every time I buy a certain fruit, I remember it’s your favorite fruit and I buy it in honor of your wonderful existence in this world. When I see a painting of Salvador Dali, the first thing I think of is how much you love Salvador Dali, and how I would love to buy this painting for you. In that moment, I don’t even remember that I love Salvador Dali too, because I love him with you. It’s all without thinking, it’s all without conscience. It’s just the way I lead my life. I live a life of emotional associations with all of whom I’ve met. I live in a world where the next holiday is the next gift for the twins I babysit, because it gives me an excuse to shower them with presents. I remember you when you don’t. I live in a world where I stumble upon everybody’s happiness. Every time I pass by a store that my mom adores, I think of how much she’d love the proximity of the mall from my studio, whereas the mall is 2 hours from her home. I don’t live in a world of me. I live in a world of you.

And the world always reminds me of you.

“I just quit my job. Haha oh god I can’t believe I just did that, finally! Now I’m ready to move forward. I was thinking how sick I am of the job and I’ve been there for so long and wanted to quit since day one but kept giving myself excuses to not quit and how I’m never going to find a better job. Working the overall job affects my general flow, and to truly go for everything I want to next quarter, I had to bring working there to an end. It’s a metaphor and yet very real symbol in my life and I had to say goodbye and move forward. Staying there was safe, but I need to act with more courage. I think that’s the thing that was hard for me to put into the right perspective on Saturday, I need to not carelessly or recklessly pursue ideals and I believe in/what I want, I need to pursue with bravery and courage, with strength and intelligence” -Kelsey

This is so inspirational I just askdjfakdfs. I called into work on Friday for one of the families I work for, because quite frankly, fuck, I need a break. I called in sick for another family that I was supposed to work for yesterday, and they told me to take today off as well as switch shifts with somebody tomorrow to work a half shift. I’ve been stuck in this idea of work for weeks. I keep coming up with lies, saying that my uncle is moving to China and that he wants me to go with him , or that I’m going to take classes at De Anza so I’ll quit come spring quarter. I can’t even just tell them, I want to quit because there are other things I want to do in this life. I want to quit because simply I just want space in my life. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. I just want to live. I’ve imagined quitting both my jobs, and there is no greater feeling accompanying just that. I’ve only ever quit jobs out of circumstances of moving away or time conflicts. I keep mentally stringing these lies I’d tell the family so that I wouldn’t feel bad about leaving them. Jesus Christ, I know that it’s just a job, it’s not my fucking life commitment, but I give myself this responsibility to stay.

My best friend dropped out of college a few months ago. My soul sister just quit her job. Okay, I can fucking do it too. Give me a little time, I can do this too. I mean obviously I already know the solution to all of this. Unless I quit, I will be stuck in this rut.

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“I just saw you as an old woman.” she says.

That’s because my heart is a thousand years old.

“I just felt that time is like a fold for you. I just saw the future and past overlapping into the present.” she says.

That’s because time is irrelevant here. It’s an illusion. That’s because my mind spans across all moments. It’s because I’ve already seen this all. It’s about patterns. It’s about mysticism. It’s about connectivity. It’s about other realities simultaneously existing in the one we live now. It’s about destiny. I want to tell her this but I know she doesn’t understand this…yet. I smile, because she will soon.