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my love

it’s about this saturday morning,
the way his eyes kiss me good morning,
and i wonder
how it always feels like i am waking up next to him
for the first time.

it’s about how you look into some people’s eyes
and you see oceans, and you tell yourself,
“this is what
depth
looks like, this is what
rivers wish to be”

but i look into his,
and
i see outer space.

he is laughing and i can hear him over my headphones on full blast. and i think how wonderful that is. and i think about his laugh, and him, and us, and how he is at his desk and i’m on my computer on the sofa, but we are connected by his laughter. that’s what makes this so wonderful. this sleepy, sleepy wednesday is filled with his liveliness.

i. i tell the mom
her child has been internalizing feelings,
blaming herself for accidents
before she even sees if i will
be upset.

the mom blinks, and a tear
smudges her mascara.

the empathy a mom
has for her child is so
strong.

ii. i am seeing my client for the first time
in three weeks,
and she hugs me,
and doesn’t
let go.

her arms hold a lifetime
of “i missed you’s”
and her head sinks
into my shoulder, and i wonder how many people
dream of reunions, of emotions
like this.

iii. there are few things more beautiful than this,

(than the way my boyfriend and i are
entwined in each other when we go to bed,
our legs like shoelaces spiraled around each other,
our hands finding homes in each other’s palms,
his hand, around my waist)

but i don’t know of any.

iv. he is more than just a part
of this poem,
he is the title,
the reason,

my compass,
my home.

he reminds me what’s important. that roses are beautiful but not all roses are meant to be picked, and that sometimes it’s winter, and that roses wilt no matter how much you water them. but he also tells me that none of these conditions make the rose any less beautiful, because these roses, you see, are a metaphor for everything in my life, that certain things and events and people are important, but to not take it too much to heart. I think that’s what I do often, take things to heart, so much that I lose the original meaning. because I attach to the beauty. I pick roses expecting them to last in a vase of water. I pick them and they wilt and I pick them and they wilt. and so the sadness starts to spiral when I realize I can’t keep always chasing an ideal because reality only strikes harder. but he’s always there-  always there to listen to my sadness and to encourage me to express it when I want to keep it bottled away. and he never judges my sadness, or tries to change it, he’s always trying to understand, and doing so well at that so that I can better understand myself. ad I think that’s miraculous, the way he helps me face the sadness of it all and somehow I don’t feel any less human, but actually, more human. I feel more alive when I am able to spill out the emotions and not simultaneously feel like a burden.

because I started to learn that I lived a whole life trying to beat the sadness, trying to capture meaning before it died, that I became attached to the idea of forever. and instead of seeking others, I taught myself to be alone, to be detached, to always use escape before the hurt comes in, that I didn’t notice that I took away the very part of myself that makes me me. I lived a life of not expressing too many emotions because people, at least in my head, didn’t seem to care as much as I did. but I do. and I do a lot. and I cry over everything, I am crying as I type this, because I’ve often been dismissed for my attachments by others because I’ve felt needy, so I thought in order to gain understanding from others in this world, I had to be detached.

but my boyfriend shows me there is a difference between being needy and having needs. feeling needy to me felt like i was imposing and taking up space in people’s lives because I have so much to say, I have so many feelings. I can never stop mid sentence because my emotions are a run on sentence it itself. I knew I needed people to be my punctuation. I became conflicted in wanting comfort versus leaving others alone because the truth is, people have their own lives, they can’t always be there, but that’s exactly what I wanted, for someone to care, care enough to stay.

but someone who loves you will never find you a burden. ever. and I’m slowly learning that through him because he wants me to express my needs, and I do, I do. I am a girl who is too sensitive, I always have been. I’ve cried in cashier lanes and classrooms and airplanes and bathrooms and it always is one big mess. I have a lot of emotions I want to talk about, insecurities and irrationale that I want to express so that I move past them. I become stuck in the way people have treated me, stuck in the words in my head that need to be voiced for clarity. because the truth is, I don’t want to remember people by how they never come back, I want to remember their beauty despite my interactions with them. I want to remember that people are human, that my relationships with people are more than a shortcoming or misunderstanding or my immediate negative emotion, but I can’t when I live in the sadness.

and I am attached, I don’t know how others are, but I latch myself onto people all the time, but the thing is then I’m always afraid they’ll never appreciate me the way I do them, or they’ll forget. because people always forget, it’s human nature to move forward. but he’s there, he’s always there and he’s always listening and loving me, and his love has shown me it’s ok to be the girl I’ve always been but had repressed in order to protect my emotions. he doesn’t want me to be the girl that hides. and now I can be more open, more honest, because yes I am really attached to everything but I began to realize I was because I wanted so badly to hold onto a connection. now, now I am letting go of my separation anxiety, of seeing people’s disappearance as permanence, of people’s need for space as a lack of friendship. letting go of the little things has shown me how attached to my boyfriend I am. so much. I don’t care what anyone says because i overcame my own fright and replaced it with love, not love in the shadows or love haunted by moments of fear. pure love. I am no longer ashamed of my emotions. I don’t know how much this matters to others, but I deeply want to love my boyfriend with my true self-  a self that no longer carries the emotional junk from a past lifetime and can instead be wholly present with him. that means I don’t run away when it gets tough, that means I don’t shut down, that means I don’t belittle myself, and that means I don’t assume he will only love me temporarily. it’s like I’m starting all over again, but this time with him. I truly believe you cannot fully love the other unless you love yourself. being in a relationship shines light onto everything-  how you react in stress, what scares you, what you take personally, the list goes on. relationships show how well you deal with fear and how open you are to love.

I no longer have to cling myself onto ideas of forever because he is my reality of forever. I want to spend every moment with him. I want to hog him. I miss him when were in the same room with a group of people. I find open windows to text him when I am at work. I miss him when he’s sleeping. he’s the first person I want to talk to when something happens. he’s the last voice I want to hear before I fall asleep.

my heart isn’t clouded with him, he is my heart.

I am in love with him. I am so so so in love with him.

he is a rose that never dies.