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journaling

i’m trying this new idea where i spend less in front of a screen. i already don’t watch tv, so it really is only spending time on the computer. i think the internet is lovely, you know, because there is so much to learn in so many formats, varying from art to videos to writing to facebook messaging. but that’s the problem, we live in such a world based on information it’s as if there is so much information and not enough time to learn it all. it’s subconscious, the way we are addicted to the internet – to filing through tumblr, twitter, pinterest, facebook, our emails, etc. and i want to veer away from that. i’ve taken the initiative to unfollow a lot of people who reblog too much and if their writing doesn’t necessary strike home for me (not that their writing isn’t great, but i follow too many writers on here and need to cut down somewhere). i want to be more attune with real life, there is something else more peculiar about it. i haven’t had the time of day to just sit down and read a book anymore, because i am constantly reading poetry snippets or quotes from books on tumblr, or i’m reading articles on thought catalog. the list goes on – i’m looking at fashion and food on pinterest, and liking people’s photos and statuses on facebook.

i want more time for the gym, because that is starting to feel amazing. i want to be able to sit here and even just have the luxury of reading articles on a magazine instead of articles on the internet. i want to dive in books again (and it’s so so so awful to actually have to say this because i don’t read that much often anymore). i start books and don’t get halfway through them before i finish because i’ve moved onto the next book, i’ve moved onto the next thing. i think that’s the problem with people like me and most of how society works – there just isn’t enough time for everything, but we want everything, so we dab our toes in a little bit of everything, but in fact, we are truly missing out because we are unable to engage in one task for too long. we are constantly distracted with new things. i want to become more attentive, more conscious. i want to walk around used bookstores more, take walks around my neighborhood more, walk around grocery stores to be inspired by new items for new recipes simply because i want to cook something new. these, and thensome, are ALL factors in my life, but they happen so sporadically, so randomly. i want my life to be more constant, to have more meaning, to be present with more people. i want to stop being unmotivated and just get up and going with my life besides when i need to go to work and besides when i need to run errands and besides when i go out for the weekend. i want to do yoga, to salsa dance with my boyfriend, to meditate, to try something new new new, and stick with it. i want to be able to breathe, to take life slowly, without becoming lazy. i want balance. i want this all to be important.

things i want to do: focus on self-care and realign myself with spirituality. i’m trying to move away from being too much in my head. i want to find a way to reconnect to myself, instead of wobbling to and fro. reading poetry is so, so, so, lovely. but these metaphors, turning emotions into stories, isn’t quite what i feel i need right now. i think it draws me so much into my head. i want to be able to relax, to heal, to be more conscious of my actions and how they affect me and the others around me. i want to be more aware of my self, of these emotions, of how thought and perspective affect how i perceive my world. i want to be in the world instead of writing about the world. i don’t want to dwell in a feeling, i want to know more about the feeling, connect more to my emotional side, so that i can connect to others, so that i can allow others to connect to me. i want to be at peace with myself.

but first, i purchased cinnamon churro ice cream today and …. i am ready for a midnight snack

HELLO HELLO, I AM SO SORRY TO HAVE ABANDONED YOU ALL FOR SO LONG. I KNOW I HAVE UPDATED HERE AND THERE BUT I HAVE MOSTLY BEEN VACANT. THIS IS A PROJECT RESURRECTING ITSELF. I HAVE BEEN INSANELY BUSY (I HATE USING THAT EXCUSE BUT IT’S NO EXCUSE TO HAVE SEPARATED FROM WORDPRESS).

i am typing in capital letters because i am SO PASSIONATE ABOUT COMING BACK! i’m going to be posting some old entries from july to now. they aren’t the best, but they are my thoughts, and they are a beautiful representation of what i’ve been feeling for the past few months.

i’m always thanking my boyfriend in these posts. he never knows. but i am always telling him thank you’s. thank you’s for driving, thank you for staying up later than usual with me, thank you for making breakfast, thank you for wiping my tears, it’s all the thank you’s. but there’s a deeper rooted metaphor. he’s everywhere. he’s my metaphor. my language. my writing. my art.

part of the reason i haven’t written as much as i have is that i’ve been so absorbed in my relationship with him. i don’t write as much as i did because he’s become my writing. i am learning to become more verbal with my feelings, which i never have been able to explore before, even though they spill out so very easily from pen to paper and fingers to keyboard.

there is so much i’ve traveled through and i have so much more to go – i can’t do everything with my boyfriend, not that i don’t want to, because i would LOVE to. but i am finding my center again, i am becoming acquainted with it, shaking hands with it, buying it some coffee (because oh my god, you guys, i have a new fascination with mochas and it’s marvelous and dandy and now i understand what it means to be caffeinated). but i am understanding my center in a different way now, seeing it from another angle, and seeing it with 20/20 vision.

i will be posting entries here and there, maybe even some posts from a couple years ago and whatnot. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF ORGANIZATION. the order of my entries does not reflect what i may feel at the time it’s posted, but just that i find that piece of writing significant, and maybe it will teleport from my heart to yours and find a new temporary home before it roams elsewhere.

my followers, i love you. i want to dedicate stars to you and personally point them to you, but there is only one of me and i only have one life. so words and imagination will have to do for now. i love you all, happy monday.

PS. for the entries that were not written around the time that they were posted, if you haven’t noticed, on the bottom right of the entry should indicate in bold letters the date it was written :)

dear followers,

my gosh, i haven’t updated this blog in perhaps, 3 months! i’ve completely and unintentionally dropped this project due to random developments in my life. i have a new job as a life skills coach! ooh la la! so fancy (not really). i have a new good friend, i now live with two other college friends (and a dog!). and actually, not only do i now have a boyfriend, but he lives with me!

ah, ah, life moves so fast. where are the brakes? i’m starting to skid. i am, i am. that’s even a lie. i have been. i have been. i’m just no longer having fun with it. life moves so fast and i log back on here and post some old posts, and the orange button on the top right starts flashing with all its notifications. it’s so reassuring to know there are still followers out there. i am so, so, so sorry for temporarily abandoning you. i am trying to get back into writing and to find my voice again, find myself. i’ve become so lost lately (that’s always my story, isn’t it?)

i lack inspiration, i lack a voice. i lack meaning. i lack a center. i lack love. my goodness, i know it’s all me. i know it’s all in my head. i know no one else is more responsible for the way i feel than my own perspective on things. having a boyfriend really opens up the perspective – how much you hold in, how much you have for years, how much you continue to do so. it’s unbearable sometimes. i know i am just one irrational thought after the next, but now i am forced to deal with them instead of ignore them or drink them away or laugh them away. i want to be able to sing this away, sleep it away, but now i have been jammed into reality and i have to find a way to make myself fit.

i don’t know who i am. this entry has so structure and is melting at what is supposed to be the corners. all i know is i am obsessive bathroom breaks, bitten nails,  the scent of cigarette residue, and unshowered messy hair. that’s all i know i am right now. my tears have made designated paths on my cheeks and i’m tired of it. i want to remember that i love the cold because i can hide in scarves and oversized beanies. i feel like a child that way. i always love to feel like a child – one who seeks and attains adventure in little things, even if it may be a wool infinity scarf. i don’t want it to be because the cold matches what i say is my cold heart. i find paradise somewhere between my burnt tongue and the cold tea. and i even have made tea into a sad metaphor. i want to remember that paradise is the way the tea flushes through my body, warming even the coldest parts of me so that i have no choice but to feel the calamity from inside out.

i want to thank my boyfriend for putting up with me, because, fuck, i don’t even want to put up with myself. i need to write more. i need to see more. i need to feel more. i need to know i’m alive. i need to know that this is all temporary. i need to see the big picture. i need to view myself with compassion. lots of it. so that i can move forward from whatever this extra baggage is.

i’m going on a large tangent. this isn’t about me. this is about all of you. i am so endlessly grateful for the number of followers who still take the time of their day to read what i have to say. i promise, i will have some good entries coming up soon! (my god, i better!)

lots of love to all of you – gentle kisses on each of your cheeks and ticklish eye contact. to all of you and your mothers and best friends and siblings and pets. i love you all.

ps, if any of you have any suggestions on how to work with the seemingly endless train of irrational thought that floods my mind and my very being until it rots my outsides, please give me a heads up and i will gladly pour us a cup of tea over this. or ten (i need an excuse to somehow start replenishing my mary poppins’ cabinet of tea! come join me in my escapade!)

today i went to world market for perhaps the first time in months and it’s such a nostalgic experience. learning customer service was so fun, i don’t know how others feel about it, but i think there is a sort of grand feeling in knowing that you are being presented professionally and helping customers towards what they need and suggesting your own taste to their basket. i learned a lot from that place, from learning how to advertise certain products to hearing my own voice on the intercom to wrapping a million wine glasses while simultaneously ringing the person up and trying to make conversation with them. i think there is so much you can learn in a customer by what they buy and what they say, and how often they come back. some people always buy the same product, such as a bottle of wine, some people only come during wine sales and buy boxes, others come regularly for that one bag of chips they enjoy. and i don’t know it was a really emotional moment. i picked up a blueberry fig bar at the check out line today and i remember the first time a coworker had me try it and told me how much healthier it is than nutrigrain bars at safeway, and that it’s extremely evident in the sugar content. and i thought of her and her bleach blonde hair and her love for hello kitty and her dedication to eating healthy and staying fit and it was just a huge burst of love i had for her. it was just so nostalgic. so beautifully nostalgic

i was feeling like shit earlier today because i woke up at 330am to a couple fighting outside and the guy just left her outside and she was just crying and i almost went outside to comfort her but i was scared the guy was going to yell at me and that i’d end up doing more harm than good. so i just stayed awake to keep her company from afar until she went inside. i became so sad about how they could never leave each other because there are just some circumstances where you cannot afford to start over because they financially depend on each other, and i know this because i live in a really poor neighborhood. and they would never know love or happiness, but they’re together for the sake of keeping each other’s lives stable. and they would always struggle watching their children grow up and their children wouldn’t be able to afford higher education and will more than likely follow the same path the parents have. and i just became really sad about where this would all lead, because things would never change. they would just be content until the next argument, but they would never know freedom, know elation, know peace.

semi-charmed life is playing and it reminds me of when i was 16 and i felt so free to be unchained from the idea of love from my ex-boyfriend who i had managed to not only date once, but twice. i remember always listening to this at the bus stop because the bus fare was free and i decided i wanted to be environmentally friendly even though it would take an extra 20 minutes. and i remember how sunlight in new mexico reached my shoulders on a summer morning, and how lightened my hair was by the end of summer. i remember the blue sky, so blue, so clear, not a cloud in sight. i think of the bliss. ah, that’s what this song reminds me of, bliss.