sometimes when i am stressed or tired i began to think about the insignificance and the importance of everything. that none of this really matters but that that it does so, so much. that’s the paradox of everything. life couldn’t exist without paradoxes. and so i began to think about all this traffic, how it’s ridiculous there’s road construction at 6pm. and i began to think about how we all are here for the same purpose. we are all going somewhere, trying to rush home, feeling all the same emotions. it always makes me feel better that people are always somewhat connected through the same thing, that we are inadvertently connected by emotion even if we don’t know it, that we can never truly be alone.
there are secret connections everywhere.
here are my emotions, for all the times i am looking at you with tears streaming down with my face. here are the defensive “i don’t know’s” that come flying out of my mouth like bullets wrapped with undying shame. here are my apologies, the ones i mean with my whole heart, and the ones i don’t because i am full of too much blind aggression. this is for the times when i am closed up, drinking a whole bottle of wine, swearing i’ll never look back. here are my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses. and here you are, unscathed. this is about learning to let love in. this is about how we always move forward. here’s to the gratitude i have for you, to the fact that i would never choose to be vulnerable in front of anyone besides you. i dedicate this to you. to insanity. to love.
i want to grow deep with understanding. i want to always know my feelings, to keep the by my side, to let them guide me, even if astray. i want to live each day with more love.
when i lived in my studio, i used to do adderall and sit on my porch and read anne sexton poetry and smoke cigarettes and watch the sunset and pretend the palm trees were faraway friends. what was my life. a metaphor that no matter how i tried to feel close to anything, everything was inevitably far away
i want to know there are people who know how to flirt with their inner monsters. i want to be around people who know how to absorb all the bullshit in their lives and transform it into art, who are brave enough to take their monsters by the hand and teach them how to dance.i want to be around people who are alive, who know how to stay alive.