i want a friend who i can get drunk with in the middle of the day and then lay on the grass and laugh about stupid things, incomprehensible things, things only that we can understand. i want to read poetry alongside some wine, and i want to know that i’m not too old to call into work simply because i want to, because i don’t want to take anything too seriously. i want to live without consequences. i want to be detached. i think that’s the thing about me – i never want things to be serious, i am always on some getaway, i am somehow clocked out for the day. i am always somewhere else, somewhere in my head, or somewhere outside by myself. i like bookstores and thrift stores and parks because there’s this sense of solitude and connection. there are no consequences with beautiful places because they aren’t people. they can’t get to know you, they can’t see the ugly side of you. but it’s against human nature to keep yourself withdrawn. because it is deeply innate to connect. we connect by revealing ourselves, we connect by asking for help, by giving it. this is how the social exchange theory works. this is how we form community. amanda palmer says in a ted talk that artists don’t want to ask for things, because in doing so, that makes them vulnerable. i think she’s right. i think that’s why artists create the life they do. one escape to the next. one rush to the next. creating beauty but finishing the day with loneliness. i don’t know how to stop. this is all i know.

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