life is so wonderful. i realized i am beautiful. i realized i am beautiful. it’s miraculous to feel and i don’t know how else to put it. everything is so emotional. everything is so alive. i realized that emotions make me beautiful. i spent this past year living in a world of daydreams but then spent my days in a reality of logic. and there was nothing particularly wrong with this, except for the fact that i wasn’t truly myself. i was always protecting myself because logic is safer than emotion. but this isn’t true. or maybe it is, the fact is that it doesn’t matter. what matters is my emotions. what matters is me. i’m constantly making excuses, constantly reasoning and making justifications for how i feel, but today i’ve learned that it’s okay to make emotional decisions. it is perfectly OKAY to live emotionally and shut up the voice in my head. that voice in my head has been on repeat for much too long. i feel like owl city songs and girly wine. i feel like clean pajamas. i want to always be around my boyfriend and around myself and others, and then laugh at that i can’t have it all but i think i can. i want to write letters again to the people i love. there is nothing more honest than being in your own skin. i want to stop losing myself in unnecessary emotions and start embracing beautiful emotions. i want to remember that i am beautiful, to not only know that i am beautiful but feel it, feel it on the inside and out.
it is so crucial to know that you are important. we live in a world where we are rushing to work and trying to ace papers and trying to make meaningful relationships that we forget. we are growing up without remembering ourselves. the world is only as beautiful as i allow it to be. the world is a reflection of how open we are, how open we are to ourselves. this does not mean eliminating the bad and chasing after the good, because that means we are chasing an ideal. what i mean when i say being open is how open we are to how we feel. in any given moment, are you lying to yourself in order to make yourself and others feel better, or are you being truthful to yourself? can you be honest? when we are honest, we don’t throw around apologies and we don’t make excuses. we can say we are tired without listing why. we can say we don’t like someone’s attitude without disliking the person themselves. we can say we don’t like the weather without becoming grumpy over it. we can say we don’t know. we can listen before we come to judgment calls. we can say no without feeling bad for ourselves. we can say yes without feeling bad for ourselves. the act of being is as simple as the act of living, because they are the same.
i’ve lived my life always putting others first and only putting myself first after i’ve clearly thought about how to present myself so that it isn’t taking away from someone else. but when i am living like this, i am taking away from myself. i am now turning off that chatter box inside my head and instead turning on the world of colors and emotion and images. today i read an article where tolkein defined imagination as “the inner consistency of reality” and i think that’s what i’ve forgotten for a long time. my inner world is full of beauty, and at the core of me is beauty. i am beautiful.