my boyfriend and i were talking about the girl i used to be, the girl i used to be before he even met me. the girl full of emotional thoughts, and he goes ahead and tells me not only once, but twice, and multiple times more that, that girl was always genuine. and i had a hard time believing this. and now it’s a few days later, 7am with the sky is waking up with color but the rest of the world is asleep. and it’s nice to log onto facebook and know that everyone on the facebook chat is still dreaming, it’s nice to know that despite the holiday chaos, everyone is still sound asleep – that the coffee isn’t brewing yet and that people have not yet experienced the drastic shift of leaving their bed for the bathroom. and i don’t know what happened, but somewhere between listening to “shot at the night” by the killers and sipping china oohlong tea, i found myself on my blogspot from when i was a wee college student. and i began to read, and read, and read, and i remember writing all of these. i remember the sadness, i remember how desperate i wanted someone to understand me, i remember how i wanted so much, i remember feeling ugly when writing all of this. but i read it now, over two years later, and i find that person beautiful. because my boyfriend is right, she was genuine. never in my life would i have thought that i would look back on that girl and miss her. because she was genuine about what she wanted, and although i am aware of what i want now, i have a hard time admitting it.
it’s strange, you know, how humans harden. i don’t like it. i want to grow softer. back then, i was so soft, so fragile, so vulnerable. somewhere along the way i felt that this wasn’t acceptable anymore. i read my writing and there is so much truth – wow, it just fucking astounds me. that girl two years ago says phrases like, “i wish you could’ve understood me” or something even more brave such as, “i could really use some comfort right now.” my god, i am amazed at that. i am so truthful but not sharp with my words, just soft and forgiving. i am so real. that’s the thing about who i was – i was as equally dreamy as i was accepting of reality. nowadays? not so much. i’m all about creating a reality that i love, creating a reality . . . creating a reality . . . creating a reality . . . where does that sound familiar?
it reminds me of B. it reminds me of how he approaches the world. i still think, i mean, i know for a fact, that there are aspects of him i’ve adapted into my core because i admired him, i admired his energy and his outlook on life, but at the time i didn’t realize how unhealthy it was for me. and it’s not that his outlook his unhealthy by any means, it’s just that when we try to be someone we’re not, when we try to incorporate someone else’s mindset simply we like it, that is unnatural. when we are trying to be someone else, we are never being ourselves. i don’t know how to come back to more of myself yet. i think liking him so much, even after he left and never came back, has affected how open i am. after him, i’ve learned to solely be detached from people. the girl who i was always wanted more – she always wanted someone to understand her, but never blamed others if she didn’t. she just recognized when they didn’t, but didn’t ask for more, because ultimately she came to an acceptance. that’s what her writing is all about – it somehow starts with a storm and ends peacefully but i read some of these entries now, these entries in the past year, and it’s all so wound-up. there is no voice that asks for someone to understand me, because i’ve used myself as my own tool to understand myself. but that’s silly, you know. it really is. there is a whole world out there and i only expect myself to understand myself, instead of giving humanity the chance to get to know me. i think this perspective is more of a metaphor for B.’s mindset than anything, but this isn’t about him. but then i began to think about a sentence he said that rings in my head which is, “i do,” and what is he agreeing to? he is agreeing to what i said. he is agreeing to, “you expect people to give up on you.” but you know, that’s a projection. when you expect people to give up on you, when you wait, that means you have already given up on yourself, and you’re waiting for humanity to decide if you’re worthy. seeking acceptance is not the same as seeking understanding. i was the girl that silently chanted, “i hope you don’t forget me” but somehow those words became mixed, and now my voice rings with, “you don’t have to stay.” i read things like, “i’ve lost so much of myself, and i think it’s because i’ve lost so much of the people that made me who i am.” and i begin to wonder how these words are so important to understanding who i am now – do i lose myself every time i lose someone important to me? how am i so unaware of this now? what happened?
i’m beginning to so vividly see the difference between who i was and who i am. i can so easily deceive myself into forgetting people because i’ve already forgotten myself. but back then, my gosh, i would never sacrifice myself, i always stood true to me. it’s almost as if i can trick myself into telling myself that this doesn’t matter if it doesn’t have to. but everything does matter, jesus christ, everything matters so much.
everything matters so much.