nov 19

i look back and read these entries about B., and i don’t know who that girl is. i know what those feelings are, i know what point i’m trying to get across, i know who i’m talking about, i know all the moments i’m trying to dearly hold onto, but that girl seems like a lifetime ago. it’s strange, the way time warps our perception. i’m not going to make this scientific because that’s not what this is about, what this is about is that i thought i loved a boy for a year and 7 months but it seemed like a lifetime ago. a lifetime that never happened to me.

B., i’m not sure if this is for you, if this is for me. i’m not sure if this holds any meaning. you did, once upon a time. your meaning will always still alive in the time that it happened, but like most memories, they don’t carry over into the future.

perhaps the most courageous thing i have done for myself is let go of someone who was not meant for me, but i didn’t do this alone. i would have never done it alone, because daniel is the one who told me it is possible. he was the one who showed me how to come to peace with him, my self, my life. i would have never had the courage to free myself from someone like B., because i made him my reality. i wanted nothing but him, even if it meant i could not be happy with someone, because i created a world where i was happy with myself. but then daniel showed me my reality, the reality that already exists at its core, not the reality i invented, which is the reality where i want to connect, where i want to love someone who loves me back.

and so this isn’t for B. not at all. and this isn’t for me. this is for my boyfriend, my love, my everything, who gave me bravery, the one who wasn’t afraid to love.


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