I am lying awake next to my.boyfriend who is sleeping, me as the big spoon with my arms around him, and I want to wake him up so badly and tell him I love him, that in this time I’ve been awake I’ve thought about all the things that he reminds me of. I want to see his big blue eyes and greet his lips with a poem from my lips, but I don’t. I don’t and it’s so painfully agonizing. I have my arms wrapped around, matching my breathing with his, looking for signs of life from him such as a leg twitch or a body jolt and I laugh, because maybe it’s his way of letting me know he misses me too. or so that’s what I tell myself. but it’s painful because I want him to be awake with me, because no moment is more precious and valuable than with him  and in this moment, I think about how I am resisting so hard from kissing his cheek until he wakes up, so that he can rest, so that he can dream. and I gently slip my arms fomo under his and come to write this. to come and write about how I let go of him physically as a way of letting go of my want to connect to him simply because I’m awake and miss him. and I think that’s love-  when you understand someone’s needs and wants as yours.


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