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Monthly Archives: December 2013

i just want to spend my life in big t shirts and messy hair and uneven lipstick and big jackets. for 2014 i am going to make a new years resolution to be sassier. i am going to be wonderful and live wonderfully. i’m going to be the baddest girl alive and the most innocent girl alive. i am going to remember what it feels like to break and mend in a second. emotional highs – like right when the roller coaster drops – that’s what i’m all about. i want to breathe the type of air that hikers breathe at the top of mountains. i want to see the sun rise. i want to stop resisting and instead give in. i want to know what it means to love myself again. again and again, over and over again. i want to love myself so that i can love my boyfriend better, is that weird? regardless, we are going to be the sassiest couple out there, loveliest people out there. you know, people like us, people like what we have to bring to the table as a pair. some say they like how we listen, others say they like our silliness, some say they like how we understand. man, i don’t know, but i know i am lucky to have him. for 2014 i am going to continue being lucky. i am lucky as long as i have him by my side, so watch out world, we’re coming for you.

life is so wonderful. i realized i am beautiful. i realized i am beautiful. it’s miraculous to feel and i don’t know how else to put it. everything is so emotional. everything is so alive. i realized that emotions make me beautiful. i spent this past year living in a world of daydreams but then spent my days in a reality of logic. and there was nothing particularly wrong with this, except for the fact that i wasn’t truly myself. i was always protecting myself because logic is safer than emotion. but this isn’t true. or maybe it is, the fact is that it doesn’t matter. what matters is my emotions. what matters is me. i’m constantly making excuses, constantly reasoning and making justifications for how i feel, but today i’ve learned that it’s okay to make emotional decisions. it is perfectly OKAY to live emotionally and shut up the voice in my head. that voice in my head has been on repeat for much too long. i feel like owl city songs and girly wine. i feel like clean pajamas. i want to always be around my boyfriend and around myself and others, and then laugh at that i can’t have it all but i think i can. i want to write letters again to the people i love. there is nothing more honest than being in your own skin. i want to stop losing myself in unnecessary emotions and start embracing beautiful emotions. i want to remember that i am beautiful, to not only know that i am beautiful but feel it, feel it on the inside and out.

it is so crucial to know that you are important. we live in a world where we are rushing to work and trying to ace papers and trying to make meaningful relationships that we forget. we are growing up without remembering ourselves. the world is only as beautiful as i allow it to be. the world is a reflection of how open we are, how open we are to ourselves. this does not mean eliminating the bad and chasing after the good, because that means we are chasing an ideal. what i mean when i say being open is how open we are to how we feel. in any given moment, are you lying to yourself in order to make yourself and others feel better, or are you being truthful to yourself? can you be honest? when we are honest, we don’t throw around apologies and we don’t make excuses. we can say we are tired without listing why. we can say we don’t like someone’s attitude without disliking the person themselves. we can say we don’t like the weather without becoming grumpy over it. we can say we don’t know. we can listen before we come to judgment calls. we can say no without feeling bad for ourselves. we can say yes without feeling bad for ourselves. the act of being is as simple as the act of living, because they are the same.

i’ve lived my life always putting others first and only putting myself first after i’ve clearly thought about how to present myself so that it isn’t taking away from someone else. but when i am living like this, i am taking away from myself. i am now turning off that chatter box inside my head and instead turning on the world of colors and emotion and images. today i read an article where tolkein defined imagination as “the inner consistency of reality” and i think that’s what i’ve forgotten for a long time. my inner world is full of beauty, and at the core of me is beauty. i am beautiful.

some poems are not found
on the lips
or the hands
some poems don’t
want to be found
so they live
in metaphors that most people
don’t notice, like
the back of a throat
caught in some flem

but i
found the places
you hide

and i’m going to write your beauty
into this

there are poems
in your cough

you are quiet poetry
and i wouldn’t mind
finding all your hiding spots

a person like me writes about
a person like you.

i. this is how we were never
meant for each other:

you were always
avoiding yourself.

i was always
facing myself.

we taught each other
our opposites.

we both represent
each other’s fears.

ii. this will always be about
how i liked a boy who
i thought always said “yes”
to everything,
to life,
to chances,
to fear,
to love.

iii. but i later learned that images
are how people love themselves,
even if it’s at the expense
of someone else.

this is acceptable somewhere,
but not in my world.

vi. i now know
this was never our story,
this has always been yours.

the sad part is,
it still is yours.

v. i faced you
i faced my fear.

vi. your disappearance still tells me
you haven’t.
you are a boy who says “yes”
who really lives in a world of “no’s”

vii. i do not exist
to be a metaphor for you.

my boyfriend and i were talking about the girl i used to be, the girl i used to be before he even met me. the girl full of emotional thoughts, and he goes ahead and tells me not only once, but twice, and multiple times more that, that girl was always genuine. and i had a hard time believing this. and now it’s a few days later, 7am with the sky is waking up with color but the rest of the world is asleep. and it’s nice to log onto facebook and know that everyone on the facebook chat is still dreaming, it’s nice to know that despite the holiday chaos, everyone is still sound asleep – that the coffee isn’t brewing yet and that people have not yet experienced the drastic shift of leaving their bed for the bathroom. and i don’t know what happened, but somewhere between listening to “shot at the night” by the killers and sipping china oohlong tea, i found myself on my blogspot from when i was a wee college student. and i began to read, and read, and read, and i remember writing all of these. i remember the sadness, i remember how desperate i wanted someone to understand me, i remember how i wanted so much, i remember feeling ugly when writing all of this. but i read it now, over two years later, and i find that person beautiful. because my boyfriend is right, she was genuine. never in my life would i have thought that i would look back on that girl and miss her. because she was genuine about what she wanted, and although i am aware of what i want now, i have a hard time admitting it.

it’s strange, you know, how humans harden. i don’t like it. i want to grow softer. back then, i was so soft, so fragile, so vulnerable. somewhere along the way i felt that this wasn’t acceptable anymore. i read my writing and there is so much truth – wow, it just fucking astounds me. that girl two years ago says phrases like, “i wish you could’ve understood me” or something even more brave such as, “i could really use some comfort right now.” my god, i am amazed at that. i am so truthful but not sharp with my words, just soft and forgiving. i am so real. that’s the thing about who i was – i was as equally dreamy as i was accepting of reality. nowadays? not so much. i’m all about creating a reality that i love, creating a reality . . . creating a reality . . . creating a reality . . . where does that sound familiar?

it reminds me of B. it reminds me of how he approaches the world. i still think, i mean, i know for a fact, that there are aspects of him i’ve adapted into my core because i admired him, i admired his energy and his outlook on life, but at the time i didn’t realize how unhealthy it was for me. and it’s not that his outlook his unhealthy by any means, it’s just that when we try to be someone we’re not, when we try to incorporate someone else’s mindset simply we like it, that is unnatural. when we are trying to be someone else, we are never being ourselves. i don’t know how to come back to more of myself yet. i think liking him so much, even after he left and never came back, has affected how open i am. after him, i’ve learned to solely be detached from people. the girl who i was always wanted more – she always wanted someone to understand her, but never blamed others if she didn’t. she just recognized when they didn’t, but didn’t ask for more, because ultimately she came to an acceptance. that’s what her writing is all about – it somehow starts with a storm and ends peacefully but i read some of these entries now, these entries in the past year, and it’s all so wound-up. there is no voice that asks for someone to understand me, because i’ve used myself as my own tool to understand myself. but that’s silly, you know. it really is. there is a whole world out there and i only expect myself to understand myself, instead of giving humanity the chance to get to know me. i think this perspective is more of a metaphor for B.’s mindset than anything, but this isn’t about him. but then i began to think about a sentence he said that rings in my head which is, “i do,” and what is he agreeing to? he is agreeing to what i said. he is agreeing to, “you expect people to give up on you.” but you know, that’s a projection. when you expect people to give up on you, when you wait, that means you have already given up on yourself, and you’re waiting for humanity to decide if you’re worthy. seeking acceptance is not the same as seeking understanding. i was the girl that silently chanted, “i hope you don’t forget me” but somehow those words became mixed, and now my voice rings with, “you don’t have to stay.” i read things like, “i’ve lost so much of myself, and i think it’s because i’ve lost so much of the people that made me who i am.” and i begin to wonder how these words are so important to understanding who i am now – do i lose myself every time i lose someone important to me? how am i so unaware of this now? what happened?

i’m beginning to so vividly see the difference between who i was and who i am. i can so easily deceive myself into forgetting people because i’ve already forgotten myself. but back then, my gosh, i would never sacrifice myself, i always stood true to me. it’s almost as if i can trick myself into telling myself that this doesn’t matter if it doesn’t have to. but everything does matter, jesus christ, everything matters so much.

everything matters so much.

why is lightness so easy to forget and why is darkness so easy to remember. i must remember forgiveness and compassion. there are children with sweet voices and animals with warm cuddles. there is soup, and there is fresh laundry, and there is wine. there is my love, over there sleeping, and i want to tell him tender, tender poems that will tell us everything will be okay, because both of us forget. i want to remember softness. i want to be above my forgetful tendencies. i want to be full of waves of love, waves of giggles, waves of understanding.

the only way we can change is if we practice, is if we consciously put our happiness on the line instead of tucked in the back of our minds. the way we change is through small things, it’s always the small things that become big things. like pressing the answer button, like getting out of bed at the time you’re supposed to, like giving eye contact, like saying yes, like saying “i’m scared” and why, like pushing ourselves to go beyond ourselves. i am not trying to outlive death. i am trying to outlive myself. the way we change is always through little steps that become big things. we are all astronauts made of small steps that lead into giant leaps. we are always discoveries waiting to be made, we are our own innovations, and the world awaits for our beauty. we can only be our vision if we try. and we will always be our vision when we try. that’s the magic behind it all.