i like to do things my way. that’s just how it is. my mom says i’m loud-mouthed and that if my dad can’t terrify me, then no one can and nothing can. maybe i have no ounce of care for certainty or stability because i am not afraid of falling. once i was at a rave and i said i didn’t have a rave name, someone said, “your name is crash. because you fall beautifully.” and in the face of adversity, do i grow a backbone or do i falter? i think i’m a little bit of both. i think that’s what makes me so impulsive but so centered, i’m too much of everything and never in the middle. but i wouldn’t want to be anybody else but me, because i couldn’t be anybody but this. i would dislike so much to be unaffected by what’s happened to me. i am so affected by fallen relationships with boys, what people have said, my relationships with my parents, what has and hasn’t happened, that i carry all these stories with me. they’ve been engraved into my skin. i’m so addicted to life, to meaning, to love. and my god, i never knew how right my mom could be with that statement.

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