my gosh, i haven’t updated this blog in perhaps, 3 months! i’ve completely and unintentionally dropped this project due to random developments in my life. i have a new job as a life skills coach! ooh la la! so fancy (not really). i have a new good friend, i now live with two other college friends (and a dog!). and actually, not only do i now have a boyfriend, but he lives with me!
ah, ah, life moves so fast. where are the brakes? i’m starting to skid. i am, i am. that’s even a lie. i have been. i have been. i’m just no longer having fun with it. life moves so fast and i log back on here and post some old posts, and the orange button on the top right starts flashing with all its notifications. it’s so reassuring to know there are still followers out there. i am so, so, so sorry for temporarily abandoning you. i am trying to get back into writing and to find my voice again, find myself. i’ve become so lost lately (that’s always my story, isn’t it?)
i lack inspiration, i lack a voice. i lack meaning. i lack a center. i lack love. my goodness, i know it’s all me. i know it’s all in my head. i know no one else is more responsible for the way i feel than my own perspective on things. having a boyfriend really opens up the perspective – how much you hold in, how much you have for years, how much you continue to do so. it’s unbearable sometimes. i know i am just one irrational thought after the next, but now i am forced to deal with them instead of ignore them or drink them away or laugh them away. i want to be able to sing this away, sleep it away, but now i have been jammed into reality and i have to find a way to make myself fit.
i don’t know who i am. this entry has so structure and is melting at what is supposed to be the corners. all i know is i am obsessive bathroom breaks, bitten nails, the scent of cigarette residue, and unshowered messy hair. that’s all i know i am right now. my tears have made designated paths on my cheeks and i’m tired of it. i want to remember that i love the cold because i can hide in scarves and oversized beanies. i feel like a child that way. i always love to feel like a child – one who seeks and attains adventure in little things, even if it may be a wool infinity scarf. i don’t want it to be because the cold matches what i say is my cold heart. i find paradise somewhere between my burnt tongue and the cold tea. and i even have made tea into a sad metaphor. i want to remember that paradise is the way the tea flushes through my body, warming even the coldest parts of me so that i have no choice but to feel the calamity from inside out.
i want to thank my boyfriend for putting up with me, because, fuck, i don’t even want to put up with myself. i need to write more. i need to see more. i need to feel more. i need to know i’m alive. i need to know that this is all temporary. i need to see the big picture. i need to view myself with compassion. lots of it. so that i can move forward from whatever this extra baggage is.
i’m going on a large tangent. this isn’t about me. this is about all of you. i am so endlessly grateful for the number of followers who still take the time of their day to read what i have to say. i promise, i will have some good entries coming up soon! (my god, i better!)
lots of love to all of you – gentle kisses on each of your cheeks and ticklish eye contact. to all of you and your mothers and best friends and siblings and pets. i love you all.
ps, if any of you have any suggestions on how to work with the seemingly endless train of irrational thought that floods my mind and my very being until it rots my outsides, please give me a heads up and i will gladly pour us a cup of tea over this. or ten (i need an excuse to somehow start replenishing my mary poppins’ cabinet of tea! come join me in my escapade!)