it is so hard, so hard to understand emotions without applying reason, because reason sprouts, and any reason could be true, it just depends on which one i believe. it’s one feeling after the next, one perspective change after the next. i get so tired of this. why do i do this. i know better. or at least that’s what i tell myself. what is real, and why am i bothered by what’s real in the long term. i know that one perspective eliminates the other. and i want the perspective that matches my long term. but why don’t i just enjoy the present. it’s so easy, so easy to enjoy the present when an array of emotions of this shade aren’t involved. i don’t want to erase them i just want to put them on the backburner and hope they don’t smoke up the kitchen overnight. what if my fears are true. why do i have them. why do my loves and fears taste the same and how do i differentiate between either? why do i make this so difficult. why can i not see either love as individual from each other, but interdependent. why am i so lost. why can’t i cry about this. am i numb to this now. am i numb to love. feeling, in general? have i been? for a while? but what do you do when two people occupy your heart and there’s only supposed to be one. what do you when the consistency of who occupies your heart is, in fact, unstable. do i love him. or do i love the other. do i love both. or do i love neither. do i even love myself.