it’s a metaphor. my emotions are a pack of markers and each day i pick out a color, and people are my landscape. my color and consistency change according to the texture and color of the other. it’s like this: they have a color and i have my base color but then it mixes and i become that mixed color.
love should be your muse
and your muse should be love
last night i had a dream i was involved in a chase with a girl who i had just met. she was some type of runaway, i wasn’t sure how it led up to the scene that it did, but all i knew was that i trusted her and i had to help her escape. i knew she was full of good heart even though her eyes were mostly and partially covered by her pixie bang hair cut. i remember the black leather shoulder bag she was running with, because it kept flying everywhere. i remember trying to converse with her as we were running. but then we reached a long fence facing a big grassy field, and i immediately jumped up ready to grab her hand until i looked to the far left and realized there were three security guards coming to get us, and at this point there was not enough time to escape because the girl hadn’t even started climbing yet. they approached us, two men i’ve never seen in my life, and a girl, who was in my eighth grade math class. and in that moment. and she took one sharp glance at both of us, and let us go.
i cannot even begin to explain that feeling. but this feeling isn’t about the dream. it’s about her. the girl who i knew in eighth grade. her name is bethany and she has a heart of gold. i remember how she played cello and how she was always late to class and never understood pre-algebra, but she had a certain realness to her enthusiasm that could not be found in the common person. i remember the way she told me she took hour long bubble baths as a way to rejuvenate her day and that she told me to try it too. i remember being inspired. i remember her lead roles in plays in high school. i remember when she moved. i will always remember her vitality, her compassion, her smile. and then i began to think about all the people that reappear in my dreams, as symbols, as a way of light nostalgia. isn’t that amazing — the way we can never forget someone. have you ever thought about how many lives you’ve touched, whether on a micro or macroscale, because the point is, the quantity doesn’t matter. it’s so unfathomable to me, think about it, there is someone out there who may not be very close to you, who may not have seen you in a rather long time, and they think of you. they think of that time you interacted, or the time you did a favor, or they simply think of your face and your presence. they remember your favorite color and they remember how they met you. for one second, a moment is taken out of time and dedicated to you. and we might not even know. i think that’s amazing, it’s like an anonymous letter from a secret admirer. we are all connected by thought, by emotion, by all these invisible strings. the point is that we can’t see them because we have to simply and blindly trust these ties. so many different things in life — whether it’s a place, an object, how the sky looks, a song, a voice, all these aspects are all associations we have of people. we live in a world of people. people remember you even if you don’t. and that, that gives me hope.
you say you are
a dandelion that
is always left
i say you are
because you are
my gosh, i haven’t updated this blog in perhaps, 3 months! i’ve completely and unintentionally dropped this project due to random developments in my life. i have a new job as a life skills coach! ooh la la! so fancy (not really). i have a new good friend, i now live with two other college friends (and a dog!). and actually, not only do i now have a boyfriend, but he lives with me!
ah, ah, life moves so fast. where are the brakes? i’m starting to skid. i am, i am. that’s even a lie. i have been. i have been. i’m just no longer having fun with it. life moves so fast and i log back on here and post some old posts, and the orange button on the top right starts flashing with all its notifications. it’s so reassuring to know there are still followers out there. i am so, so, so sorry for temporarily abandoning you. i am trying to get back into writing and to find my voice again, find myself. i’ve become so lost lately (that’s always my story, isn’t it?)
i lack inspiration, i lack a voice. i lack meaning. i lack a center. i lack love. my goodness, i know it’s all me. i know it’s all in my head. i know no one else is more responsible for the way i feel than my own perspective on things. having a boyfriend really opens up the perspective – how much you hold in, how much you have for years, how much you continue to do so. it’s unbearable sometimes. i know i am just one irrational thought after the next, but now i am forced to deal with them instead of ignore them or drink them away or laugh them away. i want to be able to sing this away, sleep it away, but now i have been jammed into reality and i have to find a way to make myself fit.
i don’t know who i am. this entry has so structure and is melting at what is supposed to be the corners. all i know is i am obsessive bathroom breaks, bitten nails, the scent of cigarette residue, and unshowered messy hair. that’s all i know i am right now. my tears have made designated paths on my cheeks and i’m tired of it. i want to remember that i love the cold because i can hide in scarves and oversized beanies. i feel like a child that way. i always love to feel like a child – one who seeks and attains adventure in little things, even if it may be a wool infinity scarf. i don’t want it to be because the cold matches what i say is my cold heart. i find paradise somewhere between my burnt tongue and the cold tea. and i even have made tea into a sad metaphor. i want to remember that paradise is the way the tea flushes through my body, warming even the coldest parts of me so that i have no choice but to feel the calamity from inside out.
i want to thank my boyfriend for putting up with me, because, fuck, i don’t even want to put up with myself. i need to write more. i need to see more. i need to feel more. i need to know i’m alive. i need to know that this is all temporary. i need to see the big picture. i need to view myself with compassion. lots of it. so that i can move forward from whatever this extra baggage is.
i’m going on a large tangent. this isn’t about me. this is about all of you. i am so endlessly grateful for the number of followers who still take the time of their day to read what i have to say. i promise, i will have some good entries coming up soon! (my god, i better!)
lots of love to all of you – gentle kisses on each of your cheeks and ticklish eye contact. to all of you and your mothers and best friends and siblings and pets. i love you all.
ps, if any of you have any suggestions on how to work with the seemingly endless train of irrational thought that floods my mind and my very being until it rots my outsides, please give me a heads up and i will gladly pour us a cup of tea over this. or ten (i need an excuse to somehow start replenishing my mary poppins’ cabinet of tea! come join me in my escapade!)
it is so hard, so hard to understand emotions without applying reason, because reason sprouts, and any reason could be true, it just depends on which one i believe. it’s one feeling after the next, one perspective change after the next. i get so tired of this. why do i do this. i know better. or at least that’s what i tell myself. what is real, and why am i bothered by what’s real in the long term. i know that one perspective eliminates the other. and i want the perspective that matches my long term. but why don’t i just enjoy the present. it’s so easy, so easy to enjoy the present when an array of emotions of this shade aren’t involved. i don’t want to erase them i just want to put them on the backburner and hope they don’t smoke up the kitchen overnight. what if my fears are true. why do i have them. why do my loves and fears taste the same and how do i differentiate between either? why do i make this so difficult. why can i not see either love as individual from each other, but interdependent. why am i so lost. why can’t i cry about this. am i numb to this now. am i numb to love. feeling, in general? have i been? for a while? but what do you do when two people occupy your heart and there’s only supposed to be one. what do you when the consistency of who occupies your heart is, in fact, unstable. do i love him. or do i love the other. do i love both. or do i love neither. do i even love myself.
i’m programmed to love. i live in a daydream. this is what i enjoy: car rides with the music blasted, spontaneity that turns an ordinary day into an unforgettable adventure, sushi, the smell of cucumbers and bell peppers, sunsets that reflect against the skin, the distance between two people standing just inches away from each other, collections, the way a hand cusps around a wine glass, remembering what makes each individual special, being remembered for your own quirks, sitting on the floor at a bookstore, bunnies, light rays that tell a story, lipstick stains on cigarettes … being covered in blankets … the act of sharing a moment of silence with another … the passion that splurges from one’s mouth … all of it … and more … but most of all just, being alive. being alive. being alive, oh nothing is better than a soul of vitality. with liveliness comes everything else. but people are always thinking it is the opposite aren’t they. they’re trying to find meaning to live meaningfully. but it’s right under their noses. you must just simply be. everything comes second. but if you first and foremost make your life meaningful, it won’t make a damn difference that everything else comes second. joie de vivre.