are you better now?

my best friend and i are at the homecoming
game and the next thing we know we are

seeing you huddled in the bathroom corner
hands scratching down the walls
screaming “i can’t hold onto the walls, i can’t
hold onto the walls, the walls
are f
a
l
l
i
n
g”

we are carrying you
rushing you to the exit as i drive up my car
and drive down the block to the hospital

i am holding you but you fall
you fall onto the ground and your body is
frozen and i am screaming
we all are
i am fifteen and i feel as if i got dropped
in an episode of degrassi
we are so close but so far and the backdrop of the night sky
begins to dim and i know we are in danger
i can hear the nurses with their late night
chatter, i can hear the sliding door
opening and closing, and everything is fading
and our friends are crying, walking
in circles
fuck, f u c k, lucie, you cannot
cry now, so i am calling 911
“we are just outside, please help
please
she has become
dead weight”

i am so frightened when the paramedic sits you
on the chair and you slide off

your body
is paralyzed
has turned to stone and your eyes
are catatonic and he has to
use a defibrillator

i don’t know how many friends i’ve had
who have gone to rehab
and come back worse
i don’t know
when they leave and i certainly don’t know
when they come back

what’s worse than someone who doesn’t have a chance
to say goodbye is someone who says
goodbye to their soul

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