i walk over to you and tap your shoulder and you turn with the smile you’ve always had, the same soft hands you’ve always had. and i ask you if you’d like a drink and we leave the porch to go inside to get a drink. and i feel nineteen again. i like the way my name feels safe in your mouth. “lucie, lucie, lucie/ i love you/ i miss you/ you’ve always been so good to me/ you’re such a sweetheart” your voice rings like bells in the back of my heart. i miss those blue eyes of yours that are always locked onto me. and i can only sustain so much eye contact before i get nervous, and i purposefully look away. and i chuckle to myself and you wrap me in your arms as i laugh into your jacket.
“i can’t buy you a drink because i’m too poor!”
“it’s more than okay!”
“i can’t give you anything back…in drinks”
“is that a metaphor?”
and you laugh. because we both know what you meant.
“i’m so drunk i don’t need another drink anyway”
“you haven’t changed”
“some things never change, do they?”
and it was a metaphor for us, for how we always fall too much in love in the moment, but you knew that.
and that’s when you grab my face and kiss me. and i, and i, i interject it with my hand.
because you have a girlfriend
because you have a girlfriend
but i’m already neck-deep in these goosebumps
and my body is already leaning in
asking for more because i am always someone
that wants more
and the rest of the time i
held my hand in a cusp over my
lips so that your lips would not
find a way to mine, so that
i don’t jump up and kiss you
and you laugh at how silly i am
but that’s what makes us silly
but my god look at those blue eyes, the way you won’t divert your gaze from me. look at that smile, look at the way my body fits in yours. there is so much tension between us when we are just standing a few inches away. i want to kiss you, i always want to kiss you. i want to gently brush my hands through your blonde blonde hair.
you were faced towards the porch and i was faced towards the bar, but i noticed how sneaky you were, ever so once in a while switching your gaze between my eyes and the porch to make sure your girlfriend wasn’t walking over.
and i find myself in love with you all over again.
i am such a fool when i am with you, maybe because we are both such fools for each other. we’re children, aren’t we? children just wanting to be in love without real life getting in the way. but it always does. because we care. and that’s why we always separate, isn’t it? but the chemistry is always there, it always lights up the room the same way our eyes are glazed when staring into each other’s eyes. we’re always in our little worlds, aren’t we?
and then the rest of the group for the bar crawl comes from the porch and i feel you being washed away in the crowd. your girlfriend comes up to you and hugs you, but when i walk by, you’re eyeing me the whole time.
we’re not very good at this, are we? my god, your name on my phone. hearing your voice in such clarity. you could’ve called anyone, why did you call me?
my god those blue eyes, why do you do this to me. i’m not good with following rules, you aren’t either, maybe that’s why we’re so much like this. maybe we’re each other’s exceptions.
“catch you later?”
“when is that?”
i feel nineteen again and i want to do is sit on the sidewalk with you as you keep me warm and i babble about something obscene. i feel nineteen again because i’m thinking of how to send you a facebook message apologizing for our childish actions, but deep down inside, we’re always scared of hurting the person in the middle, never each other. we can’t do this anymore, we tell ourselves. and it always works. until it doesn’t. we’re always getting ourselves into trouble, we’re always so mischievous when together, aren’t we? that’s what happens when you put two romantics together— the rest of the world fades away and we run away in our own. but then reality knocks on our shoulder telling us the sun is going to rise in the morning and all the real life begins to settle in once again. my god how come i just can’t help myself when i’m with you. it feels like 2011. the air smells like the chilly atmosphere of the redwoods just outside my apartment sophomore year. i wish everything that accidentally rubbed against my skin was the touch of your fingertips. the corner of this table, a stranger’s shoulder, the side of a door.
get enough of you
and i wish
i kissed you
i miss you
let’s go back to
laying on the floor
loves who more.