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Monthly Archives: June 2013

i have so much love for the mom of the girls i nanny for. she’s a teacher and she’s on summer break and she takes her children everywhere. one day it’s the park, the next day it’s a playdate. by the end of the week the girls have gone swimming, gone to toddler events such as music events or sport arenas for toddlers. on the weekends when the daddy is home, they go to san francisco or monterey bay for zoos and aquariums. or they just go out together and do errands together. and i think that’s so beautiful, the way they are a family. they’re not just taking up the same space together, moving along at the same pace, they’re a loving, meaningful family.

but then one day she didn’t take them out and they just had a day in and she said she felt guilty because she wanted a few hours to herself, and it’s different than you know running errands by yourself or going to the gym, she just wanted a break from her children. and i thought how silly this was and i told her to go rest and i’ll take the girls out on a walk around the neighborhood and that you’re not just a mom, you’re also ada. you don’t always have to show people the world and bring such positive experiences to people. and she reminds me so much of me. wanting time to yourself does not make it a negative experience. it’s almost as if people’s lives and their happiness is our center. some people are centered on how people make them feel, people like ada and i are centered on how other’s feel. and she teaches me that it’s okay to take time off from people without feeling guilty because i always do. i’m the initiator, i plan all the events and i know people feed off of my energy really easily because i’m really open and i don’t want to feel lethargic and gloomy and boring in front of others, but then i realize it’s okay. it’s okay to be lethargic and want time to yourself and it’s okay to be lethargic and boring in front of others because everything is just a phase and people won’t take it personally. and that’s what i’m always afraid of — that people will take my emotions personally, i don’t know, is that silly?

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this is to all of you, all of those who are reading this and i don’t know you by face and name but i wish i did. and this is the closest i can get to reaching you, at least for now. this is an overdue thank you. i swear. i never expect people to read what i have to say because it’s just a bunch of babble and you guys do, you guys take it in and make it yours and it finds a home in your bones. and i just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you. writing has a funny way of showing each other that we’re all interconnected, that once these words leave my heart and become public access to the internet world, it is no longer just a thought, but a temporary reality for someone to walk in, and those aren’t even my intentions, it’s always a surprise when someone resonates with what i have to say. because that’s the thing about online blogs like this — you aren’t handing a poem to someone, you aren’t saying “here, read this” so you never know who is, you never know who’s reacted. but somebody does, somebody always does, and these words and emotions create a ripple effect, and this, this ripple effect, is as reassuring for you as it is me. that we are not alone

slow down, slow down, now wait a second
who told you you’re unlovable and that you will never amount
to anything?
it was your father wasn’t it, it was your mother,
and your eyes are written with the failure of your
last committed relationship but you take all the blame
and it makes a home in your heart because
that’s what hurt people do

but baby, has anyone ever told you that depression
is an illusion, depression is an exact copy of cigarettes
we only
want more
but depression falsely clears your head
the same way cigarettes falsely give you
confidence
they are one in the same

so cliche right, for me to say that you’ve always been happy,
but you always have been, you just have to remember
you are a young snake that needs to
shed off that criticism

and if you really can’t remember, that’s okay
but i am not finished with you
yet
so at this point in time
you must hug yourself
until you can feel your skin healing

because even though people have
a great impact on us, we are the ones
who have the loudest voice
you told yourself you’re unlovable
didn’t you
you believed them

well now it’s your move

there are some things that are so breathtaking
you are afraid to blink twice for fear that it will disappear
you are one of those things

i believe everything you say about me
is true
and i am not ashamed

when risk is no longer risk
but a foreplay with life
then we have overcome ourselves

i have so much empathy for you
because i have seen how much pain
you’ve withstood
and you are only eight
how does a heart like yours
stand so tall
can i
hug you and can i hold you
in my arms and cradle you
to sleep
because you have grown up
too fast
my little sport, slow down, slow down

someone once told me
you must understand what need you are trying to fulfill
within yourself
you must understand your intentions, but my intentions
are love, i wanted to ask her if she believed that
some people hit a point in their lives when
they are beyond what they need and they just want to
give to the universe, but i know she doesn’t
believe in altruism and so i
didn’t ask

you called me
a tease, and i just want you to let you know:
fuck you, you put your hands
down my pants without asking and i think
that is more than enough violations

i am not looking for a way
to connect to my inner spirit
i am just looking for a way
to be next to you, and i suppose
that is sort of the same thing

she once told me her father
donated all her books without telling her
and that was the deepest pain
i’d felt in a long time

i was once like that, i gave so many fucks
i had none left to give
and i became a mirage of love
manipulation at its finest
but people think everything shines
and so even my apathy shined

sometimes words scar the soul
sometimes words speak louder than actions

have you noticed that some of the most
damaged of people also began to
drink at a young age

everything stands for its opposite
and that’s why
logic is flawed

then i slipped out of a deep spell of darkness
because you became the specks of light

shame on me
for believing that i had changed

break me, i will give you
the hammer

my heart is the sky
everywhere but, untouchable
and boys treat me like i’m a game
as if there’s an attention in me
that you need to grab
and that persistence is key
they treat my heart as the sky
they need to teleport themselves to

i watch
and i laugh at what
they all try to do because
it’s so much simpler than that

i see the way you
turn your chair towards me
i see the way you
open the door and
i chuckle at the way we romanticize
body gestures for love

because if i
was interested in you, i would
come back to earth

i’m stuck on the way your eyes undress me with a simple look, and i feel nineteen, nineteen because you are swinging me in your arms and not promising me kisses unless i eat a slice of bread and drink some water because i’m too drunk. and i am always too drunk but when i’m with you, i’m drunk on your love. and i’m never drunk on anybody’s love. geez, stop that charm, it’s getting to me and i’m melting. i am nineteen turning twenty and the air changes from summer to fall and i think i’ve changed too, but then i see you and that chemistry still fizzes in my nose. and i am twenty. and it is september of 2011 and i am telling you this is the last time we’ll ever fall in love. and in-between those phrases i am laughing because i know things will never be this good, no one will ever feel this close. the way we reappear in each other’s lives is always so random, isn’t it? the scientists wouldn’t agree. i think i’ll be semi-in-love and fully in lust with you for the next couple of days, is that okay?