Archive

Monthly Archives: May 2013

i was feeling like shit earlier today because i woke up at 330am to a couple fighting outside and the guy just left her outside and she was just crying and i almost went outside to comfort her but i was scared the guy was going to yell at me and that i’d end up doing more harm than good. so i just stayed awake to keep her company from afar until she went inside. i became so sad about how they could never leave each other because there are just some circumstances where you cannot afford to start over because they financially depend on each other, and i know this because i live in a really poor neighborhood. and they would never know love or happiness, but they’re together for the sake of keeping each other’s lives stable. and they would always struggle watching their children grow up and their children wouldn’t be able to afford higher education and will more than likely follow the same path the parents have. and i just became really sad about where this would all lead, because things would never change. they would just be content until the next argument, but they would never know freedom, know elation, know peace.

“I am depressed today. My past is coming back to haunt me”
“What aspect?”
“Men”
“What are you thinking and feeling?”
“It’s hard when I make mistakes and finally feel ok and forgive myself, then people and things just won’t leave me alone and let me forget”
“You can’t feel a certain way without giving permission to others. Reflection is great but you can’t grow from it if you’re attached to how people perceive you. People can’t ‘make you feel’ a certain way. You make yourself feel a certain way. Other people are just the trigger. but when you blame others for the way you feel (esp negatively), it’s hard to grow when it strikes again. Accepting responsibility for how you feel means no one can control your emotions, because you realize you are the one that does”
“No I hate people BUGGING ME”
“If you perceive people as bugging you, that means you’re sensitive to the topic they brought up and that you never actually moved on from it. You still care, but you don’t want to admit it I’m guessing. Facing your past is different from moving forward”
“Maybe I’m just facing it by trying to move on”
“Well I think you either are whimsical about your emotions or you’re too hard on yourself, so there’s no balance really. You switch from freedom to being caged. I think when you’re free, you’re very liberated, inspired, and happy. But when you’re caged, you’re very short-fused”
:”Yeah that’s very true. Thanks for helping I LOVE YOU”

i don’t think i’m happy nor sad, extroverted nor introverted, driven nor lazy. i think i’m just one huge blob of emotions and i fluctuate from one to the next. everything changes according to how i feel. the world is brighter when i feel imaginative and connected to my surroundings. the world is grey when i feel grey myself. and i used to hate this very aspect of myself, because there was never any certainty. i always thought it was only imminent until i met face-to-face with insanity. one day i seem to feel on top of the world and the next day there isn’t enough air to breathe. one day i am an endless scroll of apologies, the next full of inspiration. my emotions are an intense game of tennis, and in hand, my whole persona is thrown back and forth. i become so dizzy trying to think about who i am. and then yesterday after that period of elation, i plummeted into a pool of worthlessness. i tracked my thoughts and just stopped them and thought to myself, “this is silly. it’s 4am and you’re tired and you’re a little sick. go to bed and you’ll wake up feeling better.” and well, it didn’t start off like that today. this morning i didn’t wake up feeling worthless, but every thing i saw and every thing i read only made me well up in tears, and i wondered if my life had become one huge pms episode.

i think the best thing sensitive people can do is to love the ebb and flow of their emotions. it’s the only thing we can do so that we don’t rip our skin off and gnaw at our bones. some people identify with their career, others identify with their thoughts, their knowledge. i identify with my emotions. my emotions are who i am. and i need to let go of that image. because if i identify myself with what i feel, then i will only oscillate between all of this madness until i am only madness.

we must love the whole spectrum of emotions in us in order to fully accept ourselves, otherwise we struggle and struggle and throughout that struggle, we inevitably hold onto whatever emotion we’re feeling instead of just letting it go.

maybe that’s the point of everything, to find the balance between holding on and letting go with just the perfect amount.

there is not magic
everywhere, and you do not live
in a fairy house.

there is a darkness
so prevalent
that even pink summer sunsets
feel gloomy.

the air is not made of
nectar and you are not
a butterfly.

1. Here is my heart, Here is every secret, every dusty
cobwebbed corner, every shadow. No give backs.

2. ‘Alone’ was always my best friend
until I learned of your company.

3. If I rearrange the contents of my heart,
it will still spell out your name.

4. The way your voice shyly flirts with silence
is magic.

5. I misplaced my smile and then
found it in the palm of your hands.

6. Every romantic is a heartbreaker
until they meet another romantic.

7. I took a wrong turn and arrived
at home. You.

8. I don’t know how to describe the way
you laugh without going overboard.

9. You have the right to remain silent, anything
adorable you say can and will be used against you.

10. I looked at you and forgot who I was and
found myself in a dream.

“I get really fired up about these situations because a lot of people don’t know how to deal with children, and children are actually very smart on a subconscious level, they can tell who’s being genuine. And just in general, we all have that radar, and we are better able to connect with people who we feel are actually very understanding instead of just being able to understand a concept. I babysit these two girls and they’re really good with me, interactive, curious, playful, but when they’re with their mom, they’re still like babies, they cry and whine and always want to be picked up and they’re really needy. And I realized it’s because the mom caves into emotions and she doesn’t know how to set boundaries. She’s a great mom too, and the reason she caves in is because she cares so much, but she also does it because she wants them to stop crying. Children pick up on your intentions. So in a sense her children gain dominance. It’s the same way with raising dogs. And it makes me sad that children, in a way, are smarter than adults. Because it just shows how stupid our society becomes with age. I mean, really, we’re so unaware of how we feel and everything we do is about reducing irritability instead of enhancing happiness. Children are a reflection of how well you can handle conflict in yourself and how genuine you are to yourself. They naturally gravitate towards people who are true to themselves. And contrary to popular belief, children aren’t smart enough to manipulate. They don’t know that kind of world yet. One day I was hungover at work with the girls and everything was horrible, and I realized it’s because I felt horrible and they picked up on my energy. This may seem like some bogus spirituality shit, but because children know less “information”, they are actually able to tune in more to the world. They’re sensitive human beings. We all are! But we become preoccupied with everything else in daily life. Maybe when a mom comes home from a long day at work, a child mirrors that by becoming that lethargy because a child does not quite understand emotion regulation yet and looks to her for cues on how to manage such an emotion. Children are always wanting to learn, and part of learning means understanding how to take action when you feel a certain way. Because children don’t really have a clear grasp on self-identity, they don’t really truly understand the idea that we can be separate, detached from our environment and the people in it. Children often become the vibe of the environment and the emotions of the people. That’s called empathy. Children are very insightful mirrors. Children may be able to teach you more than anything else, because it’s really like looking into your own soul when they look at you.”