Why do you assume that you are weak? When you assume that you are weak, you will do anything to hold your guard up as strong as you can.
Your greatest fear just so happens to be my greatest power. I can see it by the way you give me eye contact, there is a stinging fear that is captured in the moment that our eyes cross paths. It astounds me the world you live in, a world of paranoia, a world of codependency, yet you have managed to justify every thought that you have so that it’s real.
What is real, may I ask you? How do you determine what is unreal from real? The past few entries that I have written have been an incorporation of your mindset into mine. I know it is not truly me at the core, but empathizing with you.
We are as real when we are with others as when we are by ourselves, as when we are interacting with our manager as when we are asleep, dreaming. What I am saying in this entry does not follow a logical order – it’s all just streams of consciousness, it’s all just what I wish to tell you, but here it is, written out on my blog instead.
You’re very intelligent, you know. You are, however, don’t let that intelligence get to you. Sometimes there is nothing to decipher. What do I mean by that? I mean that sometimes people do not have an elaborate intention. Most people do not live in a world of intentions at all. To see everyone as having their own agenda, trying to push it onto yours, is to see life through a means versus ends approach. What’s my agenda, you ask? Yes, I do have one. My agenda is to do everything with love, with meaning. What else is behind that? Nothing. Absolutely. Nothing. To have an agenda does not necessarily equate with manipulation, with deceit, with control. To assume these two factors is to assume that this is no longer a correlation, but a causation. To assume these two factors are related is to assign a dichotomy. To try and put the world in order, to try and disintegrate the world of grey into the world of black and white, to see chaos as a fallacy, to see all of these things, does not change the outer world in any way. May I tell you this – it only changes your inner world. It creates chaos for you. The world, whether it be grey or green, you will still try to distinguish it into black and white or yellow and blue, but what good does that do to you? What if, in actuality, the world is splashed with all colors? Oh goodness, I can feel your brain slumping.
I must tell you this: I am not trying to mess with you. I am not trying to show you that I am right. I am not trying to say I have this all figured out. I am not trying to, under any circumstances, imply that I am better than you. I am not trying to control you, manipulate you. We are back to the first sentence – when you assume you are weak, that you are malleable to the thoughts of others, it is implying that you do not hold a strong core. It is implying that you do not hold a perspective. Isn’t that what you struggle with? You can hold all the facts in the world, have a database of knowledge at your disposal, but what good does that do for you when asked for your perspective? People aren’t trying to manipulate you. You don’t need to constantly protect yourself.
May I tell you this: To fear other people’s perspective is to have a lack of a trusting opinion. You fear being wrong. That’s why facts are safe, they’re already written out for you. People cannot argue with facts. But here’s another thing I want to tell you. You are also not a robot. You are made of emotions. You are entitled to feel emotions. You are not a program computing out either 0 or 1. You are alive.
When you offer your perspective to somebody else, you are not controlling them. They do not become your puppet. You are opening a field of ideas. You are brainstorming together, you are sharing. Here’s the thing: whereas you mostly keep to yourself, most people are not like that. Most people are not as humbled by other people’s perspective as you are. If somebody does not like your perspective, they’ll tell you. If somebody does like your perspective, they’ll adopt it. But here’s the thing, people will adopt your perspective only under their circumstances. It does not, by any means, signify that you are mind-controlling them. You are not hypnotizing people with your insight. People are responsible for themselves. People are responsible for what they tie into their internal mode of processing, not you. You may be the starting spark, however, ultimately, people decide, on their own time, if they agree with you or not. It’s as simple as that.
When you offer a thought to somebody, that’s fucking wonderful. Make people think. People don’t do enough of that. People don’t know what they stand for. Offering a thought does not mean you are installing a thought in somebody. Thoughts are not viruses, although that’s how you perceive it. Thoughts are contagious, yes, but do you see the difference in the two word choices? To fear being a receiver of another’s thoughts is a mirror of another fear, it also indicates you fear being a provider. You fear being a catalyst. You fear the sour side of inspiration. You fear change.
But I’ve seen your lightness. It’s there, somewhere, hidden.
May I ask you, why do you think so much? Is it because you self-identify with it? Is it because you believe there must be nothing more to you than the process of thought?
There is, my love, there is so much more.
One of the secrets to life is we must let go to become even more.
What do you think about altruism, may I ask you?
You don’t believe in it. You believe we live in a selfish world, a world where we are all broken souls trying to protect our own brokenness. Isn’t that right? How is it possible that there are people who are quite arguably… beyond ego? Do I help people in order to pat my own back? Do I help people in order to feed my own ego? Do I help people in order to build a wall of mental trophies? Do I help people because I see them as weak? Do I? All of the answers to these questions are no, but you are scrounging for answers. The answer cannot be that obvious, the answer cannot be that simple. Do you believe in weightless thoughts?
You must approach life with a grain of salt, my love.
I see that you often times do not do anything, because you overthink all of the possibilities and investigate why it is that you do what you do and why you feel the way you do and how taking action would change that. And then you feel selfish if you were to take any action, so you keep swimming in your head, suffering, if I may presume. What if life is much simpler than that? What if it’s all in your head?
To look for an answer is to assume there is a question.
Love, what if there is no question?
What if the most simplest of answers is to just be? Is to exist and ravish in your existence?
Would you hate me for pointing this out to you? You create these logical contingencies that exist nowhere except in the depths of your mind. But that’s the thing about logic, it’s deceiving, because it seems like the truth. There aren’t emotions to veer your logic off course. Logic is a one-way ticket to understanding….or so it may seem.
Why do you view change as instability? What is so frightening? You mustn’t just accept the present, you must also embrace the future. Too much acceptance is unhealthy. Too much acceptance allows you to wallow in the depths of your mind. That’s why you love her. You love her because, in a way, and you know this, her acceptance allows you to perpetuate the self-destruction. You once told me you didn’t like girls who had power over you. They don’t. No one has power over you. But you love her, because she understands your perspective, because she’s willing to sacrifice her own. You love her because she’d be broken with you. You love her because she’d sacrifice her romantic idealism to live in a world of realism with you. You love her because she’d never place her perspective on you, even though you know she stands independent of you. You love her because she doesn’t share it. You love her because she understands this all. You love her because you don’t feel guilty around her, or at least enough guilt that it stays with you. You love her because she both protects you from truly facing your demons, even though that is the opposite of what she stands for.
You love her because she would always accept your contradiction.
May I ask you, what does truth mean to you? And why is it important?
Life’s purity, perhaps, is the most obvious truth that you have been missing.
This, you cannot argue with me.
Go feel it, my love. Go feel the life’s purity, for that life’s purity all comes from within you. It all…starts with you.
Welcome the unknown. Embrace the thoughtlessness. Let go of the facts. Be open to other people’s perspective. Be able to imagine from somebody else’s perspective without feeling as if you are jeopardizing your own, without feeling intimidated. You already have a steady core. You are much, much stronger than you believe. Go fantasize. Feel free my love.
One day it’ll hit you, and you’ll realize you don’t have to, and you really don’t have to, experience the world you always have.
I think the best part of this all….is that you know all this already.