more from jan 2011

and between the person i am, and the person that i wanted to be, i have a secret to share.

and in the hopes of becoming a better person, i instead chose to shelter myself into a bubble of personality characteristics that neglect to accurately depict who i am. i used to think i write the way i talk, and i talk the same way that i walk, and i walk the way i feel, and i feel the way i think. but none of it’s true, and it’s all been part of my imagination that i can place these pieces together and use it as a maneuver to be this person i want to be.

i had learned throughout the years that there are few things in life that are infinite. i had learned that sharing feelings often gets you into trouble. and i had also learned that love is a dangerous, dangerous weapon, a double-edged sword. and i had to let myself go in order to have a new life, in order to regain what i had lost and to fit into society. and i had to learn to be sarcastic. yes, i had to observe how others joked around and learned how to butt heads with one another and laugh about it, because i had let feelings overwhelm me so much that i had forgotten what it was like to look at the other side of the life that isn’t so serious.

and i had learned to explore the possibilities of every corner on my own. what secrets each place held, and where the key could be found to various people’s hearts. and some of them i have found, and some have been concealed within the boundless sky, hidden behind clouds, disappearing into the sunlight.

because once i believed in love. i believed love crawled around in the shadows. but nowadays, the only love i can even get a glimpse of is through a movie screen or  through the words tangled within the depths of a capturing novel. and now there are simply remnants scattered throughout my life that represent the holes in my heart, the emptiness that i long to fill. and these are supposed the best years of your life. and maybe i’ll look back and believe so. there isn’t time for feelings and there isn’t time to sit and relax. time stops for no one, let alone you. and you are youthful, and you are divine, and you are a beautiful soul, but you won’t let anyone know. so live, and live, and live, because there’s no time for second chances. there are no seconds glances for love if it was never there to begin with.

and if this is everything i’ve always wanted, i’d like to have nothing at all.

  1. Wow. I know these are just your thoughts and what you’ve been experiencing, but this is so beautifully written! I can totally understand and relate to many of the things you have written. Others might say that these years are the best years of your life, but that’s not true. Everybody’s life is different and society will paint this picture that our lives have to all follow the same pattern. This might not be the best years of your life, but that just means it is only up from here! Stay strong! I was told high school would be the best years of my life, and honestly those were the worst four years of my life. However, ever since I’ve graduated my life has dramatically turned around and I have never been so happy in my life.

    • this was actually written over 2 years ago! i’ve moved up from then :) i’m so glad it has resonated with you! high school was the “best part of my life” in its own way. i think high school is incomparable to college as many things are so incomparable anywho, because everything resembles its own experience and it’s unfathomable to put it on a scale with another important chapter of our lives. when i do that, it creates a polarity, and life becomes a manifestation of compare and contrast, if that makes any sense! i’m glad your life now is so wonderful! i’ve also checked out your blog yesterday, and you’ve got some interesting thoughts going on! i’ll have to dig deeper into it later :) let me know if you come to any new revelations about love! hehe

      • Yes! That actually makes a lot of sense and thanx =) I will!

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