Yesterday I left work in such agonizing pain.

For those of you who have followed me on previous blogs or know me in real life, you know that one of my jobs consists of nannying a preverbal child with autism. He was in such pain that he was crying, a reaction that I’ve never seen, a reaction that the other nannies and family haven’t seen for over half a year. I remember when he sitting in the bathtub swishing the water away, and it seemed that the pain had temporarily lessened, but the second you stepped out, the pain took over, you began to pace around the house in tears. You were searching. I could read it all over your face that you’ve already tried all possible solutions to rid yourself of this pain and now you’re just, you’re just lost. It was then that your mom took your hand and decided to take you on a drive to see if that would alleviate any sorrow.

Ian, you will be just fine. Tears formed in my eyes when I saw you tantalized with such pain. It’s all I could think about on the drive home and while I was out running errands. I couldn’t unclog myself from the pain that infiltrated your body and the inability of any of us to understand what was occurring. All we could do was offer you emotional support, but no, that’s not enough. That’s not enough, but that will have to do.

I think that drive helped you, that even on these dark, rainy days, the sunset is still beautiful, and you are the mixes of that sunset. Yesterday was unusually cold, a high of maybe 49 degrees, but today was warm. I don’t believe this is a coincidence. I believe the bright sky today is because you are feeling better today. You are the sunshine on a Wednesday afternoon. You are my squinty eyes as I try to find the balance between the blinding rays and sun visor while driving home.

Drives always help me, too. There’s something peaceful about them. There’s something about being in a car, shut off from everything else in the world, that brings one to ease.

I will see you tomorrow and everything will be just fine, if not better. :)

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