a disease of the mind

they never teach you
what to do at 3am when you are trembling,
and you want so badly to call the one you need the most,
but you have to sit there in bed, crying your eyes out

and you will meet someone at the wrong time
and they will see the worst parts about you
and leave … and never come back

you will learn to lie,
and you will learn to activate a smile
on command, how impressive
and you will learn how to hide
even from yourself
you will fall, so low that when you hit the ground
and you think it can’t get any worse,
that’s when you start to sink underground

and you will meet someone
who is absolutely terrible for you
but you can’t help but love
because lust is the ultimate manipulator
and then you will have to deal with being lonely,
which is much worse than being alone

and you will live in a body that you cannot stand
and you only wish you had someone else’s skin

and you will feel misunderstood
wondering how you were plagued with such complexity

and you will drown in anger
but it’s okay, because
at least depression isn’t explosive
and there will be good days
when you aren’t emotionally unstable
at least on the outside

and you will go to sleep
hoping to never wake up
and you will look out the window
and wish that magic was real
so that you could disappear
until there is nothing left of you
until you are just part of thin air
but then again
you’ve always felt empty
and isn’t that
the same thing?

you will try to be someone else
in order to lose yourself
and you’ll battle with the thought
or whether to stay or to go

and you will want to run away
and you will live in sin
and you will chainsmoke to avoid
and you will drink to forget

and when did you become so ugly on the
when did your lungs start to feel so
and when did your heart begin to beat so

and then while you’re hurting
you begin to damage everything around you
and you begin to hurt the ones
that you love deeply
and then it seems that
everything you touch, begins to die

the worst part is,
you remember a time when it wasn’t like this
a time before you knew of loss,
before the voices ran wild in your head,
before you were trapped in the depths of your mind
before your emotions caused you to turn hollow

and then you will look up
and the stars feel distant
and the sunlight feels out of reach
and then people ask me
what do you do when you
feel like this?

and i say,
that’s when you


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