I just…quit my job. I just…I just did it. It was a disaster, I was spewing tears but I had to do it. I had to quit because I needed time for myself. Ever since I’d been 15, I had been working my whole life. I don’t even remember taking a break when I was younger. If I wasn’t working 40 hours, I was taking summer school. I started my new job just a week after I graduated, and it would have been sooner if I hadn’t gone to Boston and Providence for 5 days. I just had to quit. I told her that I keep myself tied to this job and I know it. There are so many opportunities I could take, but I allow myself to commit to my job. I told her how I wanted time for creativity, for traveling, for anything and everything. I’m beginning to realize why people drop out of school and quit their jobs, because having a schedule and having planned commitments takes up space in the brain. It’s what you think of first. On the contrary, allowing space for nothing means giving space to everything.
I remember the other nanny constantly telling me how she’s in shock that I work 40, if not over 40, hours a week. And I always told her it was nothing, you know, because everybody works 40 hours, and when I’m off work, I go home to my quiet studio. She told me how it’s crazy that I just jumped into a new job whereas most people visit home for a few months and take a breath of fresh air from college before working. I guess I never thought about these things. I’ve just been used to working all my life.
And I realized I just have to take care of myself. And I realized I had to do it the way I did it even if I ended up crying as much as I did. I told her that I was originally going to write her a letter and she asked me why I didn’t do that. I told her it’s because writing a letter is courageous, however, it’s within my comfort zone. I’ve written letters to people my whole life. Whether it was to reconcile with a friend, whether it was to emphasize how much I love a friend, or whether it was even to read out loud what I had written in the letter because I knew I would stumble and trip over my speech if I tried to replay the words from memory (I’m a better writer than speaker, I have yet to see this change). I had to be brave. I had to just say what was on my mind. She called me brave, although I think the whole conversation went horrible compared to how I pictured it in my head. And she and the other nanny were handing me tissues as I was bawling, but it’s just because I care about the family so much and I’ve never just…done something before me. Okay, there have been a few minor exceptions but that was out of complete madness instead of rational thinking. It was the first time I took a huge step and just did something for myself.
I could feel how shut off she was and she asked me why I wasn’t okay with leaving the conversation as is, and I told her it’s because I wanted to reach a medium together. She told me it’s not about what she thinks, but what I want. I understood this, but I still repeated that I wanted to leave on a better note. She asked me what she wanted from me, and I said I didn’t know, but I could feel that our energies didn’t match. And it wasn’t about me matching towards her energy, or her energy matching towards mine, but reaching a platform together that we both love. I told her it’s not that I care about what she thinks, and it’s not that I’m a doormat or pushover, it’s that I strive for an optimal agreement on both sides. It’s not about you or me, it’s all about we. This has something I’ve learned from 2012, because I used to be a fiercely independent person who wouldn’t allow help from anyone.
And eventually, through more tears, we came to an agreement. She apologized for not opening up and then she thanked me for pushing her, and creating this bridge between us, because originally it was just about what we both wanted but working on it separately. She then told me, “Come here.” and she hugged me and I saw all my tear drops stain her shirt. And she just kept hugging me again until I felt at ease.
The most powerful lesson I’ve learned throughout this interaction is that although communication is key, it is important to express what you are honestly feeling.
She told me that she’s never had someone approach her like this before, someone who cares so much about meeting halfway so that both parties win, and I had really taken that as a compliment. 2013 has been strange, especially this February. Whereas last year was focused on experiencing emotions, this year it’s about communication and honesty. I’ve had this across so many relationships as of late, and it’s astounding how people seem to be riding the same waves.
But I did it. I did it. I am still in so much disbelief. I don’t even know how I just quit. It seems unreal as I look back, but now I will have all the time in the world. I’ll be finishing up this and next week and that’s….that. I don’t..even believe this is happening.
I want to now go home and visit my family. I want to write in Chinese. I want to sleep in..forever. I want to get so belligerently drunk that I black out and not have to worry about being sober for work the next morning. I want to go play in the snow. I want to have all the time in the world that doing laundry or cleaning my studio isn’t a hassle. I want to this. I want to that. Everybody tells me I grow up too fast and it’s true. I just want to stay young forever. I don’t want to have responsibilities.
I want to live. And so I shall. This is the beginning of something new :) fresh air. space. calamity.