it is very important to let the universe happen to you. let it melt you. let it break you. life should capture your heart. life should shiver your bones, give you goosebumps. i cannot emphasize this enough because we have learned to desensitize ourselves…to the news, to other’s emotions, to our own emotions. jonathan safran foer once said, “you cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” this rings so true because, when we separate ourselves from one emotion we can no longer experience other emotions in their purest forms. so i leave this with you today. we must live like there is magic everywhere. because there IS, you just simply have to see it. if life does not make you feel like your soul is bursting out of your own body, then you need to find a way so that it does. there is emotion everywhere. there is beauty everywhere. absorb it. let these experiences humble you.

i am going to refine my life. i am tired of wasting time. finding more excuses to procrastinate my life. i am going to read. and i am going to damn well finish what i start. i am so horrible with following through because my emotions fluctuate so easily. i am going to learn to be comfortable with repetition, but at the same time also find the balance between repetition and spontaneity. i am going to cook with love. not habit. i am going to love my boyfriend out loud, the same way you can hear a radio blasting from a car halfway down the block. i am going to look for the best in everybody, with the first person being me. i am going to relearn how to live in the moment. i am going to find my alcohol of choice and learn how to take shots again like i am 16 and still oblivious to the consequences. i want to live life the way i drive – in the fast lane. i want to find my dream and splatter it everywhere. i want my dream to keep me awake at night. i want the idea of the future to shiver my insides because i am so irresistibly excited and impatient about it. i want to know what i stand for. the problem isn’t that i don’t know, the problem is that i stand for everything. i’m tired of believing in everything. there’s just too much of everything. i need to consolidate what i care about, find out what grinds my gears, discover what soothes me on bad days. i want to dress what i’m feeling, and i want to always feel amazing. i’m okay with my life being messy, i just can’t have it be disorganized. i need to unclutter absolutely everything about my life, so i can make room for what’s to come, what’s been lost, and what’s already there but has been buried.

so here’s to 2015 – my mom told me this is my golden year, so ima take my momma’s advice and act on it. life will never come to me, i have to go out there and get it.

repeat after me:

I can’t take care of myself by myself.
sometimes I will need help.
it is okay to ask.
sometimes I will need more help than I expected.
it is okay to ask.
I am not weak because I don’t feel strong,
it is because my emotions are strong that I am strong.
I am not dependent because I need someone else.
I am brave. I am vulnerable and,

I am not afraid to show it.

I’m going to be meeting up with my high school friend who I haven’t seen in five years, one of the girls who was alongside with me during the core of my lowest points. I’ve never been able to explain my high school past to anyone in such a way that I can depict the depth and insanity of my life as a fourteen year old. she is one of the people who has known me through everything despite not keeping in touch throughout the years I’ve grown here in California. this will be a very refreshing yet surreal visit from the past. she will bring me back to the girl I was. she will remind me of all the anxiety and the spontaneity. of how I learned what it meant to be ‘alive’ and in pain. it’s what we called numbness. she represents a part of me and a life that I feel both at once ashamed and proud of. there are some unresolved feelings from who I was a lifetime ago. maybe I feel comfortable facing these feelings with her. and by maybe I think I mean certainly.

sometimes there are people you meet in which trust is developed, she is someone where the trust was immediate. maybe sometimes we are able to feel the best and the worst about everything because of the ones we have a long-lasting friendship with. because they allow us and we trust their space.

it’s people like her that makes me firmly believe that we can’t survive the journey alone.

i’ve recently developed a guilty pleasure for watching animal videos. there are so many worlds out there and we sometimes forget there are lives past the human one. these videos expose me to animal wilderness at its finest. these animals experience the world as we do & embody qualities just like ours. you will see an array of hardworking and lazy animals, animals who experience stretching happiness and piercing sadness. i love watching animals use their critical thinking skills and s t r u g g l e, because it shows passion and perseverance. watching these videos reminds me that emotion is universal, that we are all the same, that i am no different than the other, that you and i have the same heartbeat.

trying to find the balance between growing up and staying young. trying to understand womanhood but my roots are so deeply planted in childhood. i find emotion everywhere, and i get so attached to the stories i create. to me it doesn’t matter if they aren’t real because they’re real in my head. it’s so hard to describe this to people, so hard to make others understand because i don’t even understand myself. i fabricate everything because that’s how the story is told in my head. i dream in fiction but it so often clashes with the real world. how can someone like me who loves the inside of her head so much find the balance? is it okay that i always want to be inside my head? is it okay that i am always somewhere else? is it okay that i always want to be this way? how can i grow up without growing up? how can i feel safe about this process?

i want to be with nothing but a bottle of wine and a big blanket that will keep my fingers and toes warm even on the coldest of days. i would like very much so to get lost in the corners of the universe and never return back to earth.


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