trying to find the balance between growing up and staying young. trying to understand womanhood but my roots are so deeply planted in childhood. i find emotion everywhere, and i get so attached to the stories i create. to me it doesn’t matter if they aren’t real because they’re real in my head. it’s so hard to describe this to people, so hard to make others understand because i don’t even understand myself. i fabricate everything because that’s how the story is told in my head. i dream in fiction but it so often clashes with the real world. how can someone like me who loves the inside of her head so much find the balance? is it okay that i always want to be inside my head? is it okay that i am always somewhere else? is it okay that i always want to be this way? how can i grow up without growing up? how can i feel safe about this process?

i want to be with nothing but a bottle of wine and a big blanket that will keep my fingers and toes warm even on the coldest of days. i would like very much so to get lost in the corners of the universe and never return back to earth.

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first photo: the usual spaghetti, crushed potatoes, peach cobbler, banana blueberry pancakes and chinese omelette, spinach artichoke pesto pizza, and chicken and avocado over rice!

second photo: fried rice, chicken lo mein, cookies and cream oreo bars, another peach cobbler recipe (i didn’t like this one so much), and miso soup!

third photo: breaded chicken with kale chips, garden salad, mac and cheese with chicken and broccoli, potato casserole, and chicken caesar salad!

last photo: sausage alfredo pasta, herbed chicken and tomatoes, sesame noodles, blueberry cheesecake, parmesan orzo and meatballs :D

i do not have time for people who do not value friendships. i just don’t. i am not a convenience. i am not exchangeable. i am not here to represent some sort of “waiting time” until you find someone else. nothing irks me more than the fact that people will forget about others because they think they’ve found love. i don’t trust people who don’t value friendship because it makes me wonder what they do value, what they’re willing to do to move ahead at the expense of others. i’m not sure why we are chasing some sort of ideal of love in a significant other and not (also) in friends. friends can be some of the best sources of love and trust and faith. there is nothing quite like having a lasting friendship. ask the poets, some of them say that the most beautiful of relationships is a friendship.

i’ve learned that in life you need a little bit of sass to get by, and by that i mean a lot. i can’t sit around waiting for these people to come back, i can’t sit around trying to make things work. i’ve spent so much of my life being sorry, sorry for being too emotional, sorry for not understanding the other enough, sorry for having needs. my whole life became one big apology for being human. and i thought i was doing the right thing that i didn’t even realize that through this process, i became ashamed of myself. i began to hide. i can’t spend my life hopelessly wishing, trying to mend friendships. i am so afraid of things ending, so afraid of tension, that i will do anything to save conflict, even if it means forgetting myself. i can’t do that anymore. i will not let others tell me it’s remotely okay to forget about myself.

you can recycle me, but i’ll come back even better than before. no one is ever created nor destroyed, only transformed.

“you think i’m replaceable, i’m from outer space.”

dear chloe,

i have enjoyed so much of my time working with you and getting to know everything about you. you are only four years old, but you seem so much older – that’s how i know you are full of potential. you’ve changed more in the 7 months that i’ve worked with you than most people do their whole lives.

people will say you are a child with autism, but i don’t think you are. i think you are a child with talent, a child with spunk, and a child with lots and lots of sass (the best kind, of course). i still remember the first time you reached out your hand to grab mine, and i still remember the first time i spun you in my arms. you had your eyes closed but i could tell that you were in a world of bliss. there is a certain freedom to you – a freedom that i do not see in even most young children, a freedom that anyone can hear from your laugh.

your mom says that you’re going to run a company when you’re older with all those manager-like qualities that you have. it’s funny, because, i have no doubt in my mind that you will. i wouldn’t be surprised if i saw your name on the internet in 30 years.

shine bright, little miss sunshine :)

love,
lucie

sometimes when i am stressed or tired i began to think about the insignificance and the importance of everything. that none of this really matters but that that it does so, so much. that’s the paradox of everything. life couldn’t exist without paradoxes. and so i began to think about all this traffic, how it’s ridiculous there’s road construction at 6pm. and i began to think about how we all are here for the same purpose. we are all going somewhere, trying to rush home, feeling all the same emotions. it always makes me feel better that people are always somewhat connected through the same thing, that we are inadvertently connected by emotion even if we don’t know it, that we can never truly be alone.

there are secret connections everywhere.

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