i want my life to be one big whole story of how i can’t sleep because i’m too happy. i want to feel like that, because it’s such a true measure of existing in the moment. i want to be taken away by time.
the other day i was walking from my car to my apartment with a few bags of groceries, leftover pho, a library book, my mug, and a dead phone. and i thought there was nothing that described my life more than this. everything is a metaphor. we think we live in this literal world, but it’s so vague. we can only assign so many definitions. there are so many blurry lines and gray areas. i like to live in those places.
it’s amazing how much changes when we meet somebody who wants to untangle all the knots in our lives, because they’re saying, “i am here, and you…don’t have to do this alone. i am here to take care of you.” there is nothing more magical than meeting somebody who wants to see all of you, who wants to be there, who thinks you deserve happiness for breakfast and dessert and whenever you ask for it. i don’t think there’s too much sadness in the world – i think there’s not enough kindness to balance it out. we are only sensitive to negativity because there’s more of it, but the truth is that we are sensitive to everything. we are as susceptible to feeling happiness as we are sadness. they are equally contagious. the quantity is what makes the difference. imagine what the world would be like if we could put others’ feelings as important as ours. imagine what it would be like if we started an epidemic of passing on compliments from one stranger to the next. kindness is so important. caring about others is so important. i think it’s what keeps the world together. i think it’s what moves everything forward.
today my best friend from college called me and we talked for the first time in a really long time. and it was really wonderful you know. i don’t think he knows how much of an impact he’s had on my life. i feel so alive. i once told him i am only truly myself around two people: my brother and him. i remember what it felt like to share that with him. i still remember his reaction. there are some people you aren’t the same without. it was perfect timing really, the way he chose to appear in my life just now. he reminds me of what’s simple, i love his energy. i’m so prone to getting stuck in my head, complicating things, trying to find some hidden message in everything that when i look at the color yellow, it’s no longer yellow, but a string of metaphors and meanings. i really missed him, i couldn’t stop telling him that on the phone. i really meant every time i said it. there are never enough words to capture emotion.
instead of saying “i wish i was beautiful”, you can say “i will recognize the beauty that is already inside me”
i am my greatest when i can share my existence.
there is a certain current in our lives, a certain flow, that defines everything. i tell myself that i can pick and choose the details of my life, but i can only decide so much. but i repeat this so much to myself that i think i can block out certain aspects while keeping others flowing through me. but everything is as great as its weakest link. one of the things i’ve had to learn, to really learn, is to let love in. it’s so easy to love others, because it means they don’t have to love me. i create a jaded experience when i live like that. it’s so easy to give, so easy to reject love. so easy to take care of others, so easy to neglect myself. i’ve had to learn to recognize myself as important. as incredibly special. as infinitely meaningful. it takes courage to accept love from others, because it’s a representation of how i feel about myself. i had to stop seeing life and people and experiences and things as the only things beautiful, because it was ultimately diverting myself away from the most crucial top of all…
i can’t recognize all the beauty in the world without recognizing my own, because it would always lead me back to a dark place. all these notions i’m defined by: fear of rejection, fear of not being loved, fear of not being good enough, etc., it isn’t that fear defines me, but love is like a short-lived high when it coexists with fear. love is driven by fear, and loves loses to fear, no matter how much i tried.
here is to undoing fear.
here is to embracing love.
to love, and to be loved - that is my highest potential.
one cannot exist without the other.
the miracle behind this all is that i could have been anyone’s, but i wanted to be yours. i still do. in every world, i’d pick you. but in times like these, i want myself back. i am not trying to take myself away from you, i am not trying to make myself distant from you. i am trying to protect myself. there are many things i want to say, like “things are always easier when i’m buzzed because the voice in my head sounds peaceful.” there are other things i want to say, like “i’m a girl who’s always lived in her head, who is smart enough to portray an image to the outer world, but she really finds nothing more simplistic than her own solitude.” i want to finish things with, “I am sorry that i don’t know how to talk, i want to, but i am better with smiles and hugs. i am not good with words, i can’t speak them. but i can write you a novel. writing is how i express intimacy. but when i talk, i don’t know how to say anything important except for i am sorry for who i am. like this. i am a hypocrite because i always tell people to boldly be who they are, and here i am hiding behind apologies and shadows. i hope you accept me for this, anyway.” but i don’t. i don’t, because inside is a girl who deeply treasures herself, but all of that can be ripped away when i share it with someone else. warsan shire says, “i belong deeply to myself.” and in this moment, i feel like that phrase. i am selfish about sharing myself.