sometimes when i am stressed or tired i began to think about the insignificance and the importance of everything. that none of this really matters but that that it does so, so much. that’s the paradox of everything. life couldn’t exist without paradoxes. and so i began to think about all this traffic, how it’s ridiculous there’s road construction at 6pm. and i began to think about how we all are here for the same purpose. we are all going somewhere, trying to rush home, feeling all the same emotions. it always makes me feel better that people are always somewhat connected through the same thing, that we are inadvertently connected by emotion even if we don’t know it, that we can never truly be alone.
there are secret connections everywhere.
here are my emotions, for all the times i am looking at you with tears streaming down with my face. here are the defensive “i don’t know’s” that come flying out of my mouth like bullets wrapped with undying shame. here are my apologies, the ones i mean with my whole heart, and the ones i don’t because i am full of too much blind aggression. this is for the times when i am closed up, drinking a whole bottle of wine, swearing i’ll never look back. here are my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses. and here you are, unscathed. this is about learning to let love in. this is about how we always move forward. here’s to the gratitude i have for you, to the fact that i would never choose to be vulnerable in front of anyone besides you. i dedicate this to you. to insanity. to love.
i want to grow deep with understanding. i want to always know my feelings, to keep the by my side, to let them guide me, even if astray. i want to live each day with more love.
when i lived in my studio, i used to do adderall and sit on my porch and read anne sexton poetry and smoke cigarettes and watch the sunset and pretend the palm trees were faraway friends. what was my life. a metaphor that no matter how i tried to feel close to anything, everything was inevitably far away
i want to know there are people who know how to flirt with their inner monsters. i want to be around people who know how to absorb all the bullshit in their lives and transform it into art, who are brave enough to take their monsters by the hand and teach them how to dance.i want to be around people who are alive, who know how to stay alive.
Talking to someone that I used to share a huge part of my life with for the first time In a long time feels like everything around me is coming alive, like the storm is over. There will always be a sense of belonging in people who know about my secrets and my dark moments and everything in between. All these people are a part of me. It’s like a part of me has come back to me to say, “hey, I know you and I haven’t touched base lately, but I want you to know that I am here, and that I love you, and that despite everything we have been through, I do not judge you. I value you. And I will always look after you.” All these people represent the person I was back then. They remind me of the friend I was,the sort of feelings that i had. They represent that everything is slightly different but mostly the same. These people – they remind me that beyond my daily life of anxiety and goals and fleeting moments, there is a sense of infinitude in this world. And I have found it in these people, I have found it in me.
I believe people are angels.
do you ever flip a page of a book and feel like you’re entering a whole new world, and there is a huge rush of emotion that comes with that realization? sometimes I turn the page and it automatically feels lighter, or darker, literally, and I don’t know why. this is why I love books, books of all shapes, books like memoirs, poetry books, novels, picture books, magazines, I love them all. they’re such big worlds that come in small packages. it amazes me every time how much impact art has on me.