i do not have time for people who do not value friendships. i just don’t. i am not a convenience. i am not exchangeable. i am not here to represent some sort of “waiting time” until you find someone else. nothing irks me more than the fact that people will forget about others because they think they’ve found love. i don’t trust people who don’t value friendship because it makes me wonder what they do value, what they’re willing to do to move ahead at the expense of others. i’m not sure why we are chasing some sort of ideal of love in a significant other and not (also) in friends. friends can be some of the best sources of love and trust and faith. there is nothing quite like having a lasting friendship. ask the poets, some of them say that the most beautiful of relationships is a friendship.
i’ve learned that in life you need a little bit of sass to get by, and by that i mean a lot. i can’t sit around waiting for these people to come back, i can’t sit around trying to make things work. i’ve spent so much of my life being sorry, sorry for being too emotional, sorry for not understanding the other enough, sorry for having needs. my whole life became one big apology for being human. and i thought i was doing the right thing that i didn’t even realize that through this process, i became ashamed of myself. i began to hide. i can’t spend my life hopelessly wishing, trying to mend friendships. i am so afraid of things ending, so afraid of tension, that i will do anything to save conflict, even if it means forgetting myself. i can’t do that anymore. i will not let others tell me it’s remotely okay to forget about myself.
you can recycle me, but i’ll come back even better than before. no one is ever created nor destroyed, only transformed.
“you think i’m replaceable, i’m from outer space.”
i have enjoyed so much of my time working with you and getting to know everything about you. you are only four years old, but you seem so much older – that’s how i know you are full of potential. you’ve changed more in the 7 months that i’ve worked with you than most people do their whole lives.
people will say you are a child with autism, but i don’t think you are. i think you are a child with talent, a child with spunk, and a child with lots and lots of sass (the best kind, of course). i still remember the first time you reached out your hand to grab mine, and i still remember the first time i spun you in my arms. you had your eyes closed but i could tell that you were in a world of bliss. there is a certain freedom to you – a freedom that i do not see in even most young children, a freedom that anyone can hear from your laugh.
your mom says that you’re going to run a company when you’re older with all those manager-like qualities that you have. it’s funny, because, i have no doubt in my mind that you will. i wouldn’t be surprised if i saw your name on the internet in 30 years.
shine bright, little miss sunshine :)
sometimes when i am stressed or tired i began to think about the insignificance and the importance of everything. that none of this really matters but that that it does so, so much. that’s the paradox of everything. life couldn’t exist without paradoxes. and so i began to think about all this traffic, how it’s ridiculous there’s road construction at 6pm. and i began to think about how we all are here for the same purpose. we are all going somewhere, trying to rush home, feeling all the same emotions. it always makes me feel better that people are always somewhat connected through the same thing, that we are inadvertently connected by emotion even if we don’t know it, that we can never truly be alone.
there are secret connections everywhere.
here are my emotions, for all the times i am looking at you with tears streaming down with my face. here are the defensive “i don’t know’s” that come flying out of my mouth like bullets wrapped with undying shame. here are my apologies, the ones i mean with my whole heart, and the ones i don’t because i am full of too much blind aggression. this is for the times when i am closed up, drinking a whole bottle of wine, swearing i’ll never look back. here are my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses. and here you are, unscathed. this is about learning to let love in. this is about how we always move forward. here’s to the gratitude i have for you, to the fact that i would never choose to be vulnerable in front of anyone besides you. i dedicate this to you. to insanity. to love.
i want to grow deep with understanding. i want to always know my feelings, to keep the by my side, to let them guide me, even if astray. i want to live each day with more love.
when i lived in my studio, i used to do adderall and sit on my porch and read anne sexton poetry and smoke cigarettes and watch the sunset and pretend the palm trees were faraway friends. what was my life. a metaphor that no matter how i tried to feel close to anything, everything was inevitably far away
i want to know there are people who know how to flirt with their inner monsters. i want to be around people who know how to absorb all the bullshit in their lives and transform it into art, who are brave enough to take their monsters by the hand and teach them how to dance.i want to be around people who are alive, who know how to stay alive.